Cause Today is Also Purim

A Sigh of Relief

2007-11-30T14:59:00.000-05:00

It's with much gratitude to Hashem (G-d) that I bring you news from my father. I just spoke to him. He's out of surgery, which was successful, and now on the road BE"H (with G-d's help) toward recovery. He'll still need some major surgery in the future, but for now at least it would seem like we've cleared another hurdle. Thanks for all of your prayers, kind words, and well wishes. If you can continue to keep him in mind during your teffilot that would really be appreciated.

Kol Tuv and Gut Shabbos (Be Well and Good Shabbat)

News and a Call for Prayer

2007-11-28T23:44:00.000-05:00

Some of you who've read my blog before are already aware, but for many of you this may be your first time hearing. My father has some serious heart problems. In short he needs a heart transplant, and has now been on the waiting list for one for almost a year and a half. (Since just before Rosh HaShana the year before this last one.) I don't want to take the time to give a full medical history, but in short, he was born with a congenital heart defect, received possibly the first successful childhood surgery at age 4, and was fine until approximately 2 years ago when he had the first of a series of CHF bouts (Congestive Heart Failure). This left his heart swollen to twice normal size, reopening the old whole between the upper chambers of his heart, and leaving 3 of his 4 valves failing. The time since then has been a rough period marked by slow degeneration and anxious waiting (the hardest part) for the unknown time when a heart in his rare blood type will become available. Now for the sudden call to action...

For the last several months he's been constantly attached to an external heart monitor/defibrillator set to shock his heart back into normal rhythm if it would ever Chas V'Shalom (translated non literally - G-d Forbid) slip. This is no longer good enough, and with no replacement heart in sight he's set to move to the next option. This Friday mourning at 7:30am he is scheduled to undergo a somewhat serious operation to have an internal regulator installed. (Unfortunately, I'm not sure the exact details. I just know it's supposed to replace the external set-up he had, and kick it up a notch.) I ask that you please keep him in mind in your various prayers for Refuah (healing). Any Torah that can be learned, Tehilem (Psalms) said, etc, in the merit of his refuah would also be appreciated. His name is:

Baruch Matan HaLevi ben Miriam Sarah

Thanks in advance for all your kind deeds, thoughts, and teffilot (prayers). BE"H (B'Ezrat Hashem - with G-d's help) we should all merit speedily to see the day when no one will need to beg Hashem (G-d) for refuah any longer.

Kol Tuv (Be Well),

Purim Hero

Compelled to Share a Dream

2007-11-01T08:22:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in months. I haven't felt a need. My father still waits. Nothing much has changed. There are simply no updates to make. Yet, I find myself now compelled to post, to share this dream I had last night, this dream I can't get out of my head, a dream which something tells me I must share.

I should preface this by saying that it is very rare that I remember a dream at all, let alone in such vivid detail. The rare exception to this rule usually comes about as a result of a very lucid dream where I'm actually in control of events, or as a result of waking up shocked from a nightmare. In both cases, the dream quickly fades. This it would seem is the exception to the exception. It was no nightmare, and I certainly wasn't in control, and while I've been awake for over an hour now, the images and events aren't fading away in my mind. I can recall it in its entirety, play it back in my head in vivid detail. This dream is different.

Where to begin...

It starts with me hovering over an Island. It's not that I fly, rather I'm able to perceive with a clarity of vision from above. I notice my dot on the surface below. It's a lonely Island, I am its sole inhabitant. I am acutely aware of its vastness and feel very deeply the emptiness there. My days are spent in solitude and with a knowledge that I am broken.

Suddenly, my world is turned on end. I'm joined on this Island by another, a featureless women whom I'm instantly drawn to. She is hurting. I can sense in her a pain so deep that its depths can not be contained within just the core of our planet. It ranges to the true depths, plunging past the surface of the deep spoken of in scripture, into the murky cold depths below. Somehow I know this. She, too, is broken.

Initially, it is as if we two were made for each other, two halves of a broken hole, there is a sense that together we can reform into our essence. Our time is spent together, laughing, running, embracing, comforting one another, and largely just enjoying the presence of the other in still contented silence. We are healing. I can sense this, though I know not if she is also aware. What we do know is that we no longer share feelings of incredible loneliness, nor do we have the sensations of deep, almost surreal pain. We are becoming whole. We discuss this and agree, we were meant to find one another. The mistake I make now is what sets me up for failure. I confuse having been meant to find one another with being meant to be together. I propose, and am accepted. It's a forgone conclusion, for we are the only two.

Then... Enter a third party onto our fair little Island. While I was able to hover my consciousness above the Island, this man could actually fly. At first I believe he is hope for salvation, come to carry us off the Island to a place of civilization, of comfort, and company. But it becomes clear rather quickly he has no interest in me and is content to let me stay on my Island. Her, however, is another story. She becomes infatuated, mesmerized by this new man. While I'm continually assured that my place in her heart is forever, I can feel her drifting away. One day it just happens. She is gone. I see her in his arms as they fly off together toward the horizon. And there I am, again alone on my Island. This time, however, I am broken anew. My loneliness is now of one once loved and lost. My emptiness is now as one one whole and now shattered. Not a half, but a pile of shards seemly impossible to glue back together. As deep as my pain was before, it is now doubled. For I did not go through this experience unchanged. Rather, all of her pain, all her feelings from before our initial encounter. They were now mine. My burden to carry forever more. And the strange part is, in all this I was contented. I shed not a tear, simply resumed my hovered consciousness above my little Island, detached from it all.

A Bit of Optimism

2007-01-05T14:09:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who's been praying on my father's behalf. It would seem that the prayers are starting to be answered, though there's still a long way left to go. He's been responding well to his latest bit of treatment, and has been dropping weight steadily. It would seem that he has a new resolve about himself, a hope, a desire to get better and do what it takes to get there.

With his last visit to the doctor he was told that at his current pace that they could probably move the surgery date up from about 6 months, to about 2. Which was probably the best bit of news he could have heard as he hates waiting and feeling helpless. This is giving him the light at the end of the tunnel that he so desperately needs.

So, I just want to say thanks to all of you who've kept him in your hearts and prayers. (His name again is: Baruch Matan HaLevi ben Miriam Sarah.) And of course, much thanks must go out to Hakadosh Baruch Hu (G-d) who's chosen to bless me in recent times in a more revealed way, reminding me of just how close He really is.

Thanks and Good Shabbos!

Correcting the Rhythm

2006-12-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

As it seems is the norm these days, I'm a little bit behind on the updates. Thankfully there are many wonderful and amazing people out there praying for my father who regular remind me that their still praying and desiring updates.

So here's the story, a couple weeks ago my father officially went with the second route [see this post] and got himself a defibrillator. In a more optimistic vain, he was able to use a external as opposed to internal defibrillator system (similar to the one pictured above - I think) which saved him from having to undergo another surgical process.

At this point he's now focusing on loosing the weight he needs to and treating his Hep C. B'Ezrat Hashem (with G-ds' help) this will all go smoothly and his waiting period will finally come to an end in about 6 months.

Thanks again to everyone who's been davening (praying) for him.
As a reminder, his name for Teffilah (prayer) is: Baruch Matan HaLevi Ben Miriam Sarah

It's All in the Caption

2006-12-16T17:59:00.000-05:00

Neturei Karta Celebrates the Recent CJLS Decision on Homosexuality

Just in case it wasn't enough before...

2006-12-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

I realized today that I'm passed due for an update on my fathers health when I was asked by a friend who hadn't heard any news in a while. It was a great reminder of the many wonderful, caring people who are out there praying for my father every day. I know I certainly appreciate it.

Anyway, a little over a week ago I went with my father to see the cardio-transplant specialist at Columbia-Presbyterian. We were given some not so good news. Nothing immediately threatening, or un-treatable, but something which could increase wait time significantly. (For those of you following, you know that waiting is the hardest part of this whole ordeal for my father.) It appears that during his childhood surgery he contracted Hepatitis C from one of his many blood transfusions. Back then they didn't screen or test the donor blood at all. Luckily, Hep C is a very slowly moving infection, and while it is attacking my fathers liver, it is at a very early stage, and certainly treatable. The problem is that he can't do treatment while also undergoing transplant. They are also very hesitant to do a transplant if there's still a need to do treatment. It's a bit of a catch 22.

At this point it would seem that there are really only 2 options. The first would be to go back to the original surgery idea hoping for success and being prepared to install a mechanical heart if it failed. Under this option he could proceed now, and wouldn't have to take the 6 month process of treating his Hep C first. In a scenario where he would get the mechanized heart, he'd be elevated to an emergency transplant status, and hopefully things would move rather quickly, but there are no guarantees. The surgery option at hand also carries a real risk factor, which is why they had been trying to avoid it before.

The second option would be to install a defibrillator by his heart that would automatically shock it back into rhythm if it stopped or murmured, or what have you. He'd then start treatment for the Hep C, and go through transplant once everything is all said and done. Apparently, though, the downside is that the body becomes dependent on the defibrillator, and it becomes a permanent fixture even after surgery. Therefore, in his mind at least, he can never be "fully recovered". And as discussed before this option also means a significantly longer wait time. The odds are marginally better though.

Regardless, he's got to drop 30 pounds before they can go either route. Dropping wait for a man with CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and all his other issues is next to impossible because he has to avoid any and all strenuous, even mildly stressful, activity. The only chance he really has loose it is by starving himself slowly. It should also be noted that he is a man who really likes food.

So all in all, while his long term prognoses is still pretty good (70%), the journey is far from over. I'm just glad I can be there for him.

Contemplating the Nature of Bracha

2006-11-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

I spent this past Shabbos in Upstate NY. Nothing too unusual there, but, this time it was not because of an NCSY Shabbaton. Rather, I spent a Shabbat at "home". I can't remember the last time I did this. My family never really did Shabbos together, at least not with any consistency, and certainly not with any care toward Halachic (Jewish Law) practice or family experience, we certainly never sang.

But a lot has changed since my tumultuous childhood, and life has a funny way of coming around. So this past Shabbat I found myself in my childhood home, with two of my younger siblings (one of my sisters is in Israel for the year), and my father, having Shabbos meals with conversation and even zmirot (songs). The meals were meager (Deli for Dinner, Lox for Lunch), but the Tikkun (Reparation/Healing) was tremendous. This is what brings me to my discussion, the nature of Brachot (Blessings).

For those who've been following this blog at all, you'll already be aware of two key realities. First, My father is in need of a Heart transplant, and his health is less then steallar. Second, My family was anything but stable, and until recent times I'd had virtually no relationship with my parents at all, often not even knowing their whereabouts. The question I toy with is whether or not the first is somehow an answer to the second, a Bracha coming from G-d in a manner least expected and most bittersweet.

I've posted before about how I view my current presence in America, a result of Aliyah (moving to Israel) falling through, as a Bracha in disguise because it allowed me to be in America for my father and the rest of my family during a time of need. Yet now I wonder if that feeling of self sacrifise is not short sighted. Maybe it has less to do with my ability to be here for him, and more to do with us being here for each other. Could this be the divinely mandated method through which a relationship long torn asunder can finally be repaired?

This is but a component of a larger question. Can suffering be considered a Bracha? Even blessed with hindsight can one ever say that suffering was the only solution, or even valuable given the justification of the means towards the ends. How does one weigh the benefit of regaining a loved one, a father, a friend, versus the cost of human suffering, sickness, and confrontation with mortality. Can I be thankful for this set of circumstances which allowed Tikkun, or must I compartmentalize, thankful for the renewed relationship, but mournful over the set of events through which it transpired. If we are to give thanks to Hashem (G-d) for the blessings he bestows on us, where do we draw that line?

Alas, I have no answer. Certainly there are growing pains as my relationship with my father slowly regenerates, but overall, I am ultimately thankful to have had the opportunity to rebuild it. At the same time I suffer with my father because of his health and seemingly endless wait, fearful that, G-d forbid, he may be snatched from me just as I'm starting to draw close again. In the meantime I pray.

Thanks to everyone who continues to Daven (Pray) on behalf of my father. His name again is: Baruch Matan HaLevi ben Miriam Sarah. May Hashem grant him with Nachama (Comfort), Refuah (Healing), and Koach (Fortitude). And may we all be blessed to see the blessing G-d bestows upon us every day through his own special ways.

I see Paris, But not in France, Now does Israel even have a Chance?

2006-11-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

Just what Israel Needs...
Paris plans on giving Jerusalem their own mini Eiffel Tower.
Source for Story: http://www.israelnationalnews.com/news.php3?id=115928

Back after a long absence...

2006-11-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

Well... Some of you may have noticed that it's been some time since my last post. This can in part be explained by a chain of events. Namely: Chagim (Holidays) computer blow-up (after 6.5 years the thing started sparking and smoking...) and finally, internet problems (aka, no wireless card in the new computer).

But I'm back. Not that I'll be posting very frequently, but I do want to keep the many who are praying on behalf of my father informed.

Anyway, here's the latest:

He just got back out of the hospital. This time he had to have his liver biopsied. They went in through one of the arteries in his neck. From what I understand they had to do this because of some possibly not so good results that came back from some of his blood work. Before they can do any actual transplant they need to be sure the rest of his body is in top shape. We now have to wait on the results of this biopsy to find out if he'll remain on the transplant list.

We're also still waiting on the LVAD surgery. They need to get his weight down before they can do it, and that means he needs to start a diet and exercise regimen which he can't really begin until after he recuperates from all the various minor probing surgeries they keep doing. So it seems it could be a while still before we can really start moving forward. Even though there are risks in waiting, it would seem that the doctors have evaluated and come to the conclusion that the risks are greater in not waiting. So once again we wait. This is probably the hardest part for him. All he wants to do is get back to work, to become independent again. Instead he needs increasingly more care and attention.

To make matters worse it would seem that his health insurance through his old job seems to be expiring shortly. He needs to start making payments on his own soon, which he can't really afford, in part because there is a legal freeze on his assets courtesy of court decisions having to do with child support payments between him and my mother. Lifting that freeze is also proving challenging, and while I doubt my mothers intention was to prevent him from receiving medical care, it would seem that may be the end effect.

It's tough to watch, but there's still hope yet. I thank all of you who are still praying on my fathers behalf. We've actually updated his name, not as an attempt to change his mazel toward refuah (a tradition that by changing the name one can change his luck - a step we may take later I suppose), but rather as a result of increased information. (We didn't know his mother had a middle name.)

The name for the sake of Teffilah (Prayer) is: Baruch Matan HaLevi ben Miriam Sarah
May G-d grant him with the care that he needs, and a complete and total return to health, and may he do so speedily.

My Dad made the List Everyone is Dieing to be on!

2006-09-21T23:09:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the cheesy pun, but with such heavy topics, sometimes even very bad humor is called for.

So, this New Year brings with it good news and a new nikkuda (point) of hope. My father (thank G-d) has been approved for a Heart Transplant and has been added to the coveted transplant list. He's not near the top, but he's on it.

The issue is that he has a rare blood type and he's in better shape than a lot of other people who simply need it more (for that I'm thankful). His expected wait time is 18-20 months, but you never know with transplants.

In the mean time though he waits. It's clear though that his heart can't make that wait on it's own. His doctors have told him that he will require a surgical procedure within the next month or two. The lead option right now is for him to get a LVAD (Left Ventricular Assist Device), which will assist his heart in performing its daily functions until the transplant finally takes place.

So... Thanks again to everyone who continues to pray on my fathers behalf. (His name again is Baruch Matan HaLevi ben Miriam.)

May we all be blessed with a new year of health, happiness, simcha, and brachot. Shana Tovah! (Good 'New' Year!)

A Little Less Controversy

2006-09-11T00:42:00.000-04:00

We all need a little less controversy in our lives. And, I've just recieved it. After much discussion with my yeshiva we've decided not to out source me to UTJ/ITJ for Gemara. [See older post Here] No politics. Just reality. Let the learning begin!

Pondering the "What If's"

2006-09-06T21:42:00.000-04:00

Half a year ago, if I'd been asked what I'd be doing right now, I would probably have said unpacking. And while, sure enough, I'm still in the midst of unpacking and settling into my new apartment, it is very far from where I thought I'd be.

See, yesterday (Sept. 5th, 2006) was supposed to be the day I was going to be making Aliyah with Nefesh B'Nefesh. Today would have been my first real day in Israel after a long, 2+ year, hiatus. And this time, it would have been permanent.

While an in depth reading of my blog would provide any reader out there with a cursory over view of the why and how I ended up in NYC instead of in my heart's home land (in so much detail as I'm willing to share in a public forum), what it cannot do is provide an adequate picture of the various emotions, thoughts, and inexpressible non-tangibles that I'm currently experiencing.

So too, while I truly believe that it is Yad Hashem (the hand of G-d) that moved me from my previous path onto the one I walk now, and while I'm thoroughly convinced that although my heart is still clearly etched in Israel, I acknowledge the overbearing reality that my Avodah (work and mission in this world) is here, non of these thoughts are enough to overcome the tinge of sadness that creeps up within me as I long to be Home (in Israel).

There are many things that I know I should count as brachas (blessings) that I'm still in the States, and possibly even in the city. Even today, I had the opportunity to join up with my father who is undergoing another round of tests at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital, to provide him with the support, encouragement, presence, and physical hug, that I can tell he needs so much right now. G-d is constantly providing me little insights into why it is so important that I must be where I am right now. Yet, all of this too is not enough to keep me from thinking about what could have been.

In the end, I suppose this is just human nature. I'm under the impression that these feelings will quiet, and all but disappear with time. But with the passage of the moment that I'd viewed and longed for as a moment of redemption for so long, I'm also afraid of the implication that forgetting these feelings would imply. In a way, the sadness I feel keeps me connected, and severing that connection would be a fate much worse then sadness. Im Eshkachaich Et Yerushaliem - If I forget the Oh Jerusalem, while I certainly pray that day should never come.

**An update as to my father's (Baruch Matan HaLevi Ben Miriam) status:

Today was the middle of a 3 day marathon of tests that my father is currently undergoing. The initial surgery idea is almost entirely out. There were some new complications (medical stuff I didn't really understand or catch) that changed the odds of success for his surgery to some pretty intolerable levels. Once again, Thanks to G-d (and to all those who've continued to pray to him on my father's behalf) must go out, as, if he'd had the surgery when originally scheduled, the absence of this new information could have been fatal. Hashem YeRacheim (G-d Show's his mercy).

The barrage of tests he's currently undergoing stretch the gambit, even including substance screening and mental stability evaluations, as the board in charge of Transplants will be evaluating his status of eligibility and if eligible, where he will fall on the transplant list. They're also starting to explore temporary solutions like pacemakers that he can use in the interim while waiting for a transplant, should he be placed lower on the list and need to wait for a long time. The hope is that any surgery procedure will take place within the next month and a half so that his condition will cease its slow, but ever constant deterioration.

In theory, after the test results and board decision come back, he could be placed high on the list, and then if a compatible donor organ can be found he could already have a transplant completed by the end of the month. In reality though, it will probably be a much longer process, and I need to prepare myself for that mentally. Either way, I suppose it is good in the end that I can be here for him in his time of need. Maybe we can finally build the relationship we were never able to have while I was growing up absent of his presence. For now, we're going to take things one step at a time, and hope and pray for the best.

**In a interesting twist of fate, the google adsense ads at the top of my blog actually proved useful. Here is a link for the Heart Transplant Page at Colombia Presbyterian. It's actually full of helpful information, and explains a lot of things better then I ever could hope to do.

Secular Yeshiva? Oxymoronic or About Time?

2006-08-29T23:44:00.000-04:00

This picture is not just a plug for HODS - Though you should check them out.

Hat Tip to Esther at Jewlicious for breaking this out first.

According to an Article in YNet! A new Secular Yeshiva is opening up in Tel Aviv. It's being pushed by an organization called Bina. I'll let you guys read the article on your own. I'll just bring up what will certainly be the big debate, especially in the many circles where any Torah learning outside the classical Lithuanian framework is opposed vehemently and seen as destructive and perversion. Namely, there will be those who argue that any "Yeshiva" operating outside the classical orthodox framework is: a.) Not a Yeshiva, and b.) A negative development that is to be condemned and invalidated.

Now, while I wish to preference my remarks by stating that I would never personally attend a Yeshiva not founded on a commitment to Halacha and the Halachic Process as classically defined. I strongly believe that institutions such as this are vital to our current Jewish community and the survival of our people. As such I fully support its creation, and look forward to seeing what kind of students it produces.

Why is it vital? Simple. There are many, many, many, of our brothers and sisters out there who simply have no connection to the larger community. Our un-affiliated Jews. They are the Rov HaAm, the majority. And, largely, the unfortunate reality is that they are unreachable by the community at large. Unreachable by all denominations, by all sects, and by all organizations. They are the Sh'Lo Yodeah Lishol of our Passover Hagada (The son who doesn't even know what question to ask), or worse, they are what the Lubavature Rebbe described as the 5th son, not mentioned in the Haggada because he isn't even present at the Seder (Passover Meal). These are the people that we need to find a way to re-connect in a stigma free, pressure free, warm, loving, and welcoming environment. These are the people that need us to come to them. To meet them at their level. To extend a hand and bond of friendship.

That, to me, is what this new Yeshiva can be. B'Ezrat Hashem (With G-d's Help) it will be a place that the many lost and wondering souls will be able to find serenity. Where they can explore themselves, and our collective history, traditions, and teachings. Even if they themselves are not affected to become active, observant, and passionate members of our community, the mere fact that they are no longer fully ignorant brings hope for the next generation.

(Just as a side note: While I was attending the NCSY Staff Training Conference last week, one of the things that was discussed was the continued expansion of the divide between the orthodox world and the rest of the Jewish nation, especially the unaffiliated portions of the population. It was sort of a consensus on the part of the Rabbinic leadership that something needed to be done, and that we, as the NCSY advisors and as modern orthodox individuals, served the vital role as the bridge between the two worlds.)

This venture and vision is of course not without hesitation. It is very important that what is taught be authentic. In my mind, there is a huge difference between this proposed secular yeshiva, and other streams and movements looking to provide their own substance and direction. The key to the success of this institution is going to be in it's commitment to study the classic texts. To involve themselves in the 2000+ year traditions of our people. To be presented with the unaltered, truth and beauty of our Torah. The exposure is what's important. What they do once exposed is their personal journey.

I am comforted by the fact that among the teachers the article mentions is Rabbi Yoel Bin-Nun, head of the Religious Kibbutz Yeshiva on Ein Tzurim and who also happens to be on the advisory board for my own Yeshiva (YCT). He's been involved in the starting of many wonderful centers of Torah learning, including Yeshivat Har Etzion (Gush). And hopefully, his influence will keep this new endeavor on the right path.

[The Yeshiva's Overview by Bina]
[Another Article on the Secular Yeshiva]
[And Another Article on the Secular Yeshiva]
__________________________________

On to the Update of my father (Baruch Matan HaLevi ben Miriam), we're still waiting. I'm going to be heading Upstate tomorrow for a NCSY conference/convention and will B'Ezrat Hashem get to see him and find out more what the latest is. I think at this point we're waiting either on the Insurance company or a test result. (Or both.)

Anyway, I thank everyone for their continued prayers on his behalf.

No News Is Good News Right?

2006-08-26T23:45:00.000-04:00

Still no word on my father's new surgery date, or even as to whether or not they still plan on moving forward with the procedure, or intend on going with the transplant option. As the song says, "Waiting, Is the Hardest Part." (His Name Again, for use in your prayers, is: Baruch Matan HaLevi Ben Miriam.)

Speaking of waiting, it seems like that's all I did this past week. I was at an all week conference/staff training for NCSY in New Jersey. It seems like all I was doing was waiting for the current speaker to end.

I certainly appreciated the idea behind the conference, and the accommodations, but I still feel that way too much time was put into convincing us to do the job that all of us had already signed on to do, and next to know time was dedicated to providing practical skill set training.

There was alight at the end of the tunnel though, as the last day was actually a JSU (Jewish Student Union) training conference, and being that it was run by Shira Reifman, it proved to be a well organized, useful day. The materials and topics were relevant and immediately useful, and time was spent on practical skill acquisition, rather then self-aggrandizing pats on the back.

In the end though, it all provided a great excuse not to unpack, and now that I've finally returned to my apartment, (I spent a great Shabbos by he Reifman's and haven't seen my new apartment since the night I moved in,) I'm greeted by all my unpacked bags and boxes. I suppose it would be less daunting if I had furniture, especially book shelves and a dresser, into which I could unpack. I have a half-fakocked scheme to build myself a loft with shelves, and a desk under the bed that would save me a lot of space, but we'll have to see if that actually pans out. In the mean time I'm still sleeping on my air mattress toying with ideas.

Coupling all this with a parking ticket I just paid from the one and only night I kept my car in NYC and the current loud music blaring outside my apartment window from someone's car, my distaste for the city and everything about it is only being deepened and entrenched.It's going to be a long 6 years. At least I have a nice Chevra (Friendship Circle) in and around NYC, that should go a long way toward helping ensure I manage to endure my time here.

I start my program at Chovevei tomorrow with a Lunch orientation, and classes begin Monday. Maybe if I stay busy enough, I can avoid dwelling on my environment. It's going to be good to get into a routine. Anyway, if your in NYC and you don't think I know that yet, and you want to get together at some point, drop me a call or email me. The more people I manage to network with here, the greater my chances of survival. Now to Unpack...

** I'm adding this mostly so that I can remember, but also because others may want to go: [Check Out Flyer Here:]

Please join SimplyTsfat, Soul Farm and Pey Daled for a fantastic evening in support of
northern Israel.

Date: Motzei Shabbos Sept 9th
time: 9:30pm
where: 92nd street "Y"
1395 Lexington ave at 92nd street

To order tickets, call 212.415.5500. For more information or for sponsorship opportunities,
please contact Heidi at 516.823.4131 or visit www.tsfat.com.

all ticket sales will be going to help residents of norther Israel. Show your support and have a great evening
too!!

** Another quick edit... Apparently I can't make the concert (my friend is having a Chanukat HaBayit though he doesn't know it, he calls it a house warming party), but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go to what should be a great performance.

The Long Awaited Update

2006-08-19T22:56:00.000-04:00

This is going to have to be brief, as I'm making my big move to NYC tomorrow and I still have to pack, do laundry, find directions, load the car, and get enough sleep to make the drive safely.

Camps done. It was a great summer. B'li Neder (Without making an oath) I'll write up more about the summer when things settle down, if they settle down.

I've got a wedding on Monday, and a multi day conference in NJ for NCSY the rest of the week. Yeshiva starts a week from tomorrow with a Sunday afternoon brunch. Come later that week I'm already back with NCSY staffing a Regional Board retreat and LTS (the Leadership Training Seminar). Needless to say I'm keeping myself busy.

As I promised a lot of people at camp, I will use this forum to keep people updated as to my fathers status. (His Name again is: Baruch Matan HaLevi Ben Miriam.) If you've already been reading my blog, then you already know that my father is facing some pretty major surgery. It had been scheduled for the 14th of August, but was postponed because one of the necessary pieces of equipment needed servicing. Where still waiting on a new date.

As a recap. He had CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) a little while back.He currently needs 3 of his 4 valves replaced, and needs to repair holes between the left and right side of his heart in both the upper and lower chambers. His heart also expanded, and he will need to have it brought back down to normal size. Currently there are only 3hospitals that have the equipment and expertise to perform the surgery he needs, Columbia Presbyterian in NYC (where he was originally scheduled to have it), a hospital in Boston, and a hospital in Cleveland. At this point, they are also starting to consider the option of an actual heart transplant. (They try to avoid this because of the long waiting lists, and frequent rejections of the transplanted organ.) The hardest part right now is the waiting.

With that said, I continue to thank all those of you who have been davening (praying) for him, and to those of you who will continue to do so. Todah Lechem (Thank You All).

To Camp I go...

2006-07-17T07:00:00.000-04:00

See you all in a month...

Parshat Pinchas Preverted

2006-07-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

This weeks Torah portion is Parshat Pinchas. It begins by finishing the story of the Zealotry of Pinchas, wherein he spears Zimmry and Cosby, killing them while they are in the peak of their sinful act. In doing so he averts a plague and is elevated by G-d to the status of a Priest.

The story of Pinchas is not one easily understood. The key is to remember that, just like his grandfather Aaron, Pinchas was also an Ohev Shalom v'Rodef Shalom (a lover of peace and a pursuer of peace).

Unfortunately, a lot of people use the story of Pinchas as an excuse to promote violence and subvert the law against individuals who are involved in sinful behavior. As if on cue with the parsha this week, fliers in Jerusalem have appeared offering NIS 20,000 (20,000 New Israeli Shekels, or about $4,500) to anyone who will kill participants in the International Gay Pride Parade scheduled for Jerusalem next month. [Read the Arutzsheva Story Here]

Now, while I may not personally be a fan of having the parade in Jerusalem. (I do feel that it is an unnecessary slap in the face to the Torah Observant communities.) There are many other ways of dealing with it that are both more appropriate, and less criminal. Hate and Aggression are not the answer. I certainly hope no one takes those fliers seriously.

Bow Wow Wow Yippie Yo Yippie Yay!

2006-07-05T22:15:00.000-04:00

The Rabbinical Council of America just recently (June 30th) ruled that smoking (at least of cigarettes, the article seems vague as to other types of tobacco use only directly mentioning cigarettes, though their logic should apply to any tobacco use,) is NOT permitted under Jewish Law. Read the full text of the Jewish Legal decision here. (It's also a great read for people who just want to get an idea for how Jewish Legal decisions are reached. It's written clearly, and mostly in English.)

Jumping strait to the conclusion we see that:

Accordingly, this analysis must lead to the unambiguous conclusion that smoking is clearly and unquestionably forbidden by הלכה [Halacha/Jewish Law] and that this should be made known to all who care about the תורה [Torah] and their health.

In my mind, this is a great demonstration of the progression of Halacha, and a demonstration of a time when the Halachic system really works. I applaud the RCA for making such a firm stance, even countering the many arguments made by countless others as to reasons not to prohibit smoking.

Two other great statements are made in the Tshuva [Legal Verdict/Responsa] that I feel need highlighting. First, the final statement of the entire piece, demonstrating caring and compassion for the individuals affected by the ruling.

A final note is in order: People who smoke are not, ח''ו ["Chas V'Shalom" -- G-d forbid], doing so in an attempt to flout הלכה [Halacha/Jewish Law]. In fact, most would dearly wish to quit, but shedding an addiction is no simple matter. While it is important to make clear that הלכה [Halacha/Jewish Law] prohibits smoking, it is also important not to condemn those who struggle with this issue. Rather we must offer our full help and support to aid them in their quest for physical and spiritual health.

Wouldn't it be great if this same mode of understanding and desire to aid and accept were applied to all Jews irregardless of which Halachic issues they were struggling with? If we were receptive to the fact that many of our brothers and sisters struggle just as much with other areas of Halacha that perhaps are more taboo in the religious fold yet still deeply rooted within the individuals psyche and physical makeup (Sexuality, just to name one), then, just perhaps, more of our brothers and sisters would also be increasingly receptive toward Orthodoxy as a movement and a renewed commitment to Halacha. When we realize that keeping all the Mitzvot (commandments) is not easy for everyone, and choose to focus on what is accomplished rather then on where one fails; If we provide positive reinforcement and friendly helpful critique rather then vehement condemnation, then we can foster the beneficial relationships and repair the rift in Am Yisrael (The Jewish Nation).

Second, a statement that was made that I'd like to focus on for my own philosophising:

Rav J. David Bleich שליט''א [ "Shlita" is short for "SHe-yichyeh LI-yomim Tovim Arukim" -- "May he live days that are pleasant and long"] has noted strikingly that, while given the information available in his day, Rav Moshe Feinstein זצ''ל [ "Zatsal" is short for zecher tzadik le-vracha" -- "The memory of the righteous is a blessing"] certainly ruled correctly, “It must be noted, however, that there is little question that Igros Moshe’s responsum, written in 1964, accurately reflects the societal reality of that time…However, it is more than likely that, at present, that condition no longer obtains.”

This begs several questions on scope. It is a common argument against Orthodoxy that it fails to adapt to increased awareness and social reality. Clearly, that is not the case all the time, as the above quote demonstrates. The question at hand is when. When can we determine that societal reality has changed such that the halacha also needs to change to reflect that fact? Can it only be applied to make the rules more stringent (To rule on the side of Chumra) as seen in the case above? Or can it also be applied to rule on the side of Heter (to rule more leniently). There is must certainly be limits, and a balance to the process. But what those limits are, short of Halachot Dorita (Written Torah Laws) and most likely Halachot D'Rabanan (Early Rabbinical Enactments such as Chanukah), is difficult to say. I for one certainly don't have the necessary knowledge base or authority as of now to make such a decision. How do we know who does?

On the one hand I'm excited and hopeful at the knowledge of the possibility for change that could lead to a reJEWvination of our people and an increase in those willing to engage in the Halachic lifestyle. At the same time I'm hesitant, and even fearful of such a process, as the possibility exists of going too far. Striping Judaism of its core and meaning. The last thing I would want is for religion to become a cultural process. It seems clear to me that G-d consciousness is critical, as is the need to ultimately respond to his absolute authority rather then our human desires. I just wish I knew where to draw the line that would maintain authenticity while accommodating as many Jews as possible. I wish it were easier to balance my love of each and every Jew with my love for G-d and his Torah.

Just to end on a technical note, I wonder how other types of smoking and tobacco use are treated. In my mind, any regularly used product, a pipe, chewing tobacco, or what have you, that is used with frequency and regularity, would also be prohibited by this ruling. That to me seems to be a strait forward extension, and clearly what the authors would intend to convey. The place where it seems less certain is casual, non-regular, tobacco use, such as a celebratory cigar, or a occasional smoking of a hookah. Here the health risks, and risks of addiction, are significantly decreased. A person who smokes a cigar once a year, or a hookah one time while on a Birthright trip in Israel are not really causing themselves any long term physical harm. They will be no worse for ware after their experience. In this case it would seem like the Halachic reasoning used in this article doesn't really apply.

Again, however, we are faced with a question of frequency and scope. We now have to judge at what point a person has used too much. Is once a month ok? Once a week? Maybe only once every 6 months? Again we seem to be playing with a slippery slope. Is this a reason to possibly extend the prohibition to any use of tobacco, no matter how limited, period? Who would decide how much is too much?

So, while I applaud the RCA for its (long overdue) verdict, several questions still remain worth considering. What do you guys think?

While you ponder all this, please continue to pray for my father (Baruch Matan ben Miriam) who is due to under go major heart surgery. (I'm not going to keep linking to all the previous posts, please feel free to explore older posts if you want more details.) Thanks!

---------------------------------------------
Link to Press Release from RCA [here]:
Quick Links to Other Blogs Who've Posted on This Issue: [Jewschool] [Danya Ruttenberg]
That's all I've found so far (after making my post).

**2 more links. (Seems like this is a slow issue...) [Orthonomics] [Hirhurim]

Time to Hit the Road

2006-07-05T15:22:00.000-04:00

As of one hour ago, I became a newly licensed driver (which helps to explain the badly edited photo). That's right, I passed my road test.This is a very good development, because had I failed, well, failure was not an option. I need the license for my summer job. There was no wiggle room there. So thanks to all those who've helped me acquire the license. (Chris, Lev, Guppy, and Joanne over at Easy Method Driving School.) You guys made this possible.

Now the fun part, doing the rest of the work I need to do this summer,including but not limited to driving the Big "Gay" Keshet Van. (Please don't take offense at the word usage.) It gets its name for a reason,namely being a giant white fifteen passenger van with a rainbow logo on the side with only the word Keshet (Hebrew for Rainbow) below it.Topping it all off is the fact that everyone inside is paired off with someone of the same gender, camper and shadow, it's a special needs camp after all, and the fact that it is driven in very rural, religious,Wisconsin, and it's needless to say that we attract some weird looks and a few horns and such... Oh well... Keshet Pride and all, right?

More fun is the fact that the van is not only large, making it difficult to drive to start with, it's also older then old, and the mirrors on the sides blow in from the wind so you can't use them. It's a pain to drive, or so I'm told.

Anyway, Please Keep praying for my father (Baruch Matan Ben Miriam). He should be blessed with a quick, painless, successful surgery, and a speedy recovery. (See Previous Post, and this post.)

A Much Needed Update

2006-07-02T00:09:00.000-04:00

Until recently, I hadn't realized how many people not only read my blog, but relied upon it as their primary source for gaining information about me, my where abouts, and activities. I also hadn't realized that people would actually be upset at not having that information. So for the sake of the many who've expressed concern,wondering how I'm doing, and how things have resolved, etc., here's the update:

Internet: Check! I lucked out and, as of last week, am piggy backing my neighbors wireless. Connection is poor but sufficient. This means I'll have fairly regular Internet access until I leave for camp on July17th, at which point I will be going back to the email and business only gig. (The camp has Satellite Internet and long lines, so usage is kept to a minimum.)

This brings me to the camp thing: The salary issue was indeed a mistake, which in the context of the disorganized state everything is in for this summer makes perfect sense. Basically, I've been promoted again. I'm now the site supervisor/director for the Keshet program at the Wildrose Moshava in Wisconsin. They doubled my salary from last summer, but also dumped a lot on my lap. Apparently, the previous director accepted a position in LA as the principle of a Day School,and left the organization stranded. They turned to me, and since then I've been frantically trying to put together the program for this summer. (Doing 6 months of prep work in 1 month isn't fun or easy.) I spend most of my time these days on the phone co-ordinating with the camp, with parents, with the organization, and with camper's full time care givers trying to brainstorm individually tailored programs for each camper and work out conflicts and particulars. Anyway, I still need to hire 2 more male staff members to serve as shadows this summer. (It's an integration program for children with special needs.)So, if you think you are a good candidate, or know someone who might be a good candidate to work within the B'nai Akiva camp environment working with a child with disabilities please contact me ASAP. It pays a decent salary for the position.

The move out of my apartment was successful largely in part to the generosity of time, vehicles, and shleping of my former roommate Guppy and the key second trip by a good friend of mine from High School who made the 3.5 hour trip to Rochester just to load up his car, turnaround and drive back. Chris, your the Best! Good luck with Everything.

The move into my new apartment should happen sometime after Aug. 20 but before Aug. 27. (Of course not on Shabbat.) I'll be living with Drew Kaplan, and while I don't know who I'll be sharing a room with yet, I'm looking forward to what should be a good year. I do need to learn how to use the $2 vans to Teaneck though that he was telling me about.

Why's that you ask? Well... YCT, my Rabbinical School for next year,has decided to outsource me for the first of my two years of mechina (preparatory years prior to starting Rabbinic program). I'm the first person they've even accepted and approved a second year of mechina for.Basicly, they wanted me, but didn't really have the infrastructure in place for me to gain the foundations in language and text that I would need. Therefore, they are going to be sending me to Teaneck to learn at ITJ (Institute for Traditional Judaism) the flagship institution, so to speak, of the UTJ (Union for Traditional Judaism) as part of the Metivta program. Chovevei is still going to cover all the tuition costs and provide me with the stipend. The largest impact for me will be the commute. Of course, UTJ itself is already an interesting, if not controversial, movement/organization. It traces its history back to a break off from JTS during the 1970's after they started ordaining women Rabbis, or as Drew would call them, Rabbatis. This just compounds the seeming controversy of my path to Rabbinic ordination. Even if YCT is sometimes said to be on the fringe of Orthodoxy, ITJ is perhaps even more liberal. It should be a fun, interesting, enlightening, and educational experience. I'm looking forward to it. After all, it will be good to balance an organization seeking to open orthodoxy with one that seemingly was closed minded to change within the Conservative movement and seeks to engage things in a more classically Jewish manner.Of course, the honest truth is that I still don't really have a grasp on either organization or what they stand for as of yet. I've heard lots of speculation, but it seems for the most part inconsistent with the personal experiences I've had. For my part, I am thankful of the opportunity to be around people who are actively committed in their Judaism and seek greater understandings and connections with G-d, even when there are some things that I may not fully agree with. Needless to say, I still have a lot to learn.

Just as a side note, a tid bit of the latest Chovevei news. Rabbi Saul Berman, the head of Edah, recently announced that his organization was going to be winding down its operations and passing the torch to others. Shortly thereafter he was appointed the Director of Rabbinic Enrichment for YCT, a fantastic addition to the Yeshiva.

OK... On to the Driving thing. Wish me luck as I take my Road Test on July 5th. I only really get one crack at this and must have it for my job this summer. I should be ok. I've taken a few lessons with the local driving school here, Easy Method, and they've helped me a lot.They've also told me that I'm ready for the exam and are taking me out for it. They even helped grab me a cancellation because on my own I wouldn't have been able to schedule the road test before I had to leave for camp. So, even though it's their job and I'm paying them, I still owe them a thank you as I wouldn't have been able to even try to get my license in time without them.

As a final note, please continue to pray for my father, Baruch Matan (HaLevi) ben Miriam. As some of you may remember he had congestive heart failure right before I left Rochester. Since that time more heart related issues have surfaced and he is in need of major surgery. Now that all his test results are in, we now know that aside from having to replace 3 of his 4 heart valves, he also has a hole between his upper chambers, and another between his lower chambers. This is on top of the enlarged state of his heart from the CHF. There are only 3 hospitals in the country that have the facilities and expertise to do the surgery that he requires, Columbia Presbyterian in NYC, a hospital in Boston,and another one in Cleveland. His doctor here is currently fighting with his insurance company to cover the operation so that he can schedule him at one of these hospitals. The surgery will, B'Ezrat Hashem (With G-d's Help) be by the end of June. In the mean time,things are pretty touch and go and even with the surgery there is still the off chance that he'll need a transplant. So, please, keep him in mind with your prayers.

Chag Samayach, Shabbat Shalom, and What's Up

2006-06-01T18:21:00.000-04:00

**This may be my last post for a long time since I'll be without Internet probably until I get to NYC at the end of August. I'll hopefully be able to check email once a week or so, but it's going to be ruff. **

This has to be real quick since I've really got a million things before the Chag starts and no time. But the last week and change has been great and leaves me with all kinds of things that I should really talk about. Anyway, here's a overly brief rundown:

- Har Sinai Spring Regional NCSY Shabbaton Last Weekend - One word - Incredible!

- I'm mad proud of my sister who was honored and recognized with one of the Big 5 awards at banquet, the Erica Hasner Memorial (Sp?) Shem Tov (Good Name) Personal Development award. She really earned it, and the speech was awesome, every word true. Talk about Nachas, it was hard not to cry.

- She'll be upset with my if I don't also post the fact that I was awarded with an Adviser of the Year award. So there, it's included.

-Major Move out of my apartment, and lots of complications. Who knew there was so much involved. One day was just not enough! (It's already become a few days beyond my lease end, oh well... Thanks need to go out to my landlord who's been amazingly understanding and helpful. He's great, if anyone ever moves to Rochester and is looking to rent, let me put you in touch with him. He's the best.

-Complete lack of sleep for the last 3+ weeks and an all nighter of learning and giving shiur (class) ahead of me.

-I may have found an apartment. (Yay Drew! - Check out his blog on the sidebar.)

-Shidduch thing... I may choose not to talk about this at all, but we'll see. It's good for sorting my thoughts, but it's no longer just me that I'm exposing, so I probably will have to find another more private medium. But let's just say I'm excited, but it's way way way early.

-The Camp thing. It's probably a mistake, but my contract arrived and I received a pay cut without explanation of $600 for last year instead of the usual raise. I left a message, but am yet to hear back.

-The Driving thing. I think I may have access to a car this summer which is great, but I only really have 1 month left to get my license,so I need to get cracking.

-Friends are great! Mad Thanks to All of my friends, especially those helping me with this whole move thing. You know who you are.

-Then of course there is the whole holiday and shabbat thing. Normally I'd want to say a few words, I just can't afford to now. But I hope everyone gains a lot from them.

OK... That's all I have time for... not even to spell check.

Kol Tuv, Chag Samayach, Shabbat Shalom, and have a good summer.

Happy Yom Yerushalayim - Jerusalem Day!!

2006-05-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

The following is an email from the Western Wall Heritage Foundation:

Dear Friends,

Happy Yom Yerushalayim - Jerusalem Day!!

Today – Thursday May 25th - we celebrate the liberation of Jerusalem 39 years ago and the reunification of the eternal capital of the State of Israel. Of course, the center of all this celebration is taking place at the most significant place in the world to the Jewish nation – the Western Wall, the Kotel.

If you're here in Israel, come to Jerusalem! Join the multitudes as they march, waving Israeli flags, through the streets of Jerusalem to the Old City and to the Kotel Plaza. There, the plaza will become a blue and white blur of music and dancing; of excitement and joy. It's an experience that should not be missed!

If you're too far away to walk to the Kotel to join the dancing, special webcams will be broadcasting the sights and sounds of the Jerusalem Day Flag Dance live on this website, starting today at 8 pm Israel time. This year we're adding "floating" cameras that will hover over the dancing and capture the atmosphere even better.
Make sure to log on!

For now, have a wonderful Jerusalem Day. Whether you're dancing with us at the Kotel or planning your next trip here, we know you'll be spending time today thinking about how miraculous it is that after 2,000 years of yearning, the Jewish people are home in Jerusalem!

If you tune in right now you can see Chaim Dovid and Shlomo Katz in Concert at the Kotel Plaza. I was there 2 years ago, it was one of the greatest nights in my life. Wow I miss Israel so much right now.

Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim Tishkach Yimini!

**To hear and read english transcripts of the retaking of Jerusalem click [here]**

Canada Was Amazing, But I'm Tired, and My Feet Hurt (From Dancing)

2006-05-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

Quick Post, then bed. NCSY Canada is a great region. I've been to quite a few, and while it is not Har Sinai region, it's the next best thing. The kids are Awesome, the Advisers where fantastic, and the program was successful. I'm bringing back quite a few good ideas. I have a feeling I'll be seeing more of Canada before my NCSY career is over.

On a side note, I just mailed in my acceptance letter to Chovevei next year. It's all happening for real. It's kind of unbelievable how everything has just fallen together all of a sudden (seemingly), but Hashem (G-d) works in incredible ways that I'll never truly understand. All I can do is say Thanks. Hodu L'Shem Ki Tov, Ki L'Olam Chasdo (Offer Praises to the Lord for He is good, for His kindness is everlasting.)

Canada, Here I Come...

2006-05-18T10:18:00.000-04:00

For the next few days I'll be visiting our northern neighbor while staffing a Canada Region NCSY Shabbaton. They were short staffed, YU has finals, and I get lucky and get to go for a fun four day adventure to Camp Northland to hang out with some great kids and staff that I met earlier in the year at National Convention. Admittedly, they were all a little weird and quirky, but that just means I should fit in just fine...

It's no Har Sinai, but it's going to be fun!

So.. Um.. Yeah... I'm Going to be a Rabbi...

2006-05-15T00:04:00.000-04:00

I've been accepted, and will be starting my studies at Yeshivat Chovevei Torah (YCT) Rabbinical School this fall. My father is out of the hospital (B"H, though prayers are still welcome and encouraged), and I had a perfect 4.0 gpa not just for this semester, but for the year. So... I guess I got my answers. I'm no longer in limbo. Life is good, and G-d... well... he's GREAT!

Graduation's Over Rated

2006-05-10T21:39:00.000-04:00

Since I'm missing my graduation to staff an NCSY Shabbaton, the turning in of my last undergraduate paper earlier today marked the end of my official time at the University of Rochester. I'm officially done!

But now what? Limbo, that's what, and not the kind with the arched back, the fun music, and a pole. Now I wait to see what will happen with my life. Everything is in G-d's hands. Please continue to say prayers for my father, Baruch Matan ben Miriam.

Jack Be Nimble, Jack Be Quick, Jack Go Under The Limbo Stick....

Prayers Needed

2006-05-10T00:45:00.000-04:00

An update on my dad. For those of you who recall my post about the changing of the tides [here], you may recall that my father was in the Hospital. A few days have passed and the results of his observations are in. He's been diagnosed as having had Congestive Heart Failure. For a description of the condition check out the American Heart Associations website [here].

He needs to have surgery and a time was supposed to be set by the Surgeon today, though I haven't heard yet when it will be. I plan on making the trip down to go see him, but timing is really ruff. The most important part right now are the prayers that we can send him for a complete recovery. His name for the purpose of prayers is Baruch Matan ben Miriam. Every little bit will be appreciated.

The irony, I suppose, is that this is the same heart condition that my great-grandmother experienced years ago that led to the circumstances of events that lead to the de-facto end of a day in day out relationship with my father. Hashem (G-d) has a sense of humor that I just don't understand.

Anyway, my final college paper is due in several hours, and to finish it on time I need to type 2 pages an hour. So I need to refocus. I have a Jr. NCSY shabbaton this weekend, and I've no idea yet how I'm going to fit in seeing my father, but some things you have to make room for. I'm in G-d's hands at this point, but I know he'll pull me through.

Which reminds me of a quick story about how you can see G-d's hand in everything if you only look. Racing to my train back to Rochester today, I arrived in Penn station only to have missed it by mere seconds. I actually saw it disappear on the board. Needless to say I was pretty bummed. Bad news of my father, the continued limbo that exists around whether or not I'll be starting Rabbinical school in the fall (the result of a strong interview, but the reality of an absence of practical textual skills), and now an extra 2 hours wasted at the train station waiting for the next train while I needed to start my paper.

Dejected I sat on the side trying to figure out how to best spend my time when I notice a friend of mine looking around like she was lost and flustered. Approaching her, I found out that she was in a bit of a bind. Her cell phone had died, and she had no way of contacting her fiance to find out if he was even still at the station. Even borrowing a phone wasn't going to help, because, in the age of cell phones, no one remembers anyone's phone number any more. Luckily, her fiance just happens to be someone who is currently attending the school where I'd just interviewed, which meant I even had the schools number in my phone, where she was able to call the office and get her fiance's number, then call and reconnect with her fiance.

Now, I don't mean to make myself out to be a hero, or anything of that sort. I'm sure had I not been there, nothing bad would have happened to either of them. However, for whatever reason G-d might have had, it was clear to me that he wanted me to be there to assist them, and therefore I missed my train. Things like this make it clear to me that G-d is playing an active role in my life, and I know he'll look out for me. I only just hope that what he KNOWS is best for me can jive well with what I THINK is best for me.

Anyway, the take away message. Please Pray for Baruch Matan ben Miriam. It's going to be a ruff few days. Thanks.

**Drew Kaplan's Blog has been added to the Links. I met him at Chovevei, and he's a really great guy.**

An Old Joke Re-Drawn

2006-05-09T01:15:00.000-04:00

A Disclaimer, I saw this without audio, so bear with me if the audio isn't good, but the Joke is a classic. (At least if it is the Joke I think it is.) Guess I'll find out when I get back to my own computer.)

As Some of you may have figured out... I'm a bit too busy to actually come up with my own content currently. I'll be back soon...

Being A Ninja Is A Lot Like Being A Very Deadly Jew

2006-05-07T03:50:00.000-04:00

Unorthodox Orthodoxy - Female Rabbinic Ordination

2006-05-06T23:32:00.000-04:00

As a person who hopes to be starting my own Smicha (Rabbinic Ordination) process in the fall, developments in ordination practice already interest me. As someone who intends to get Orthodox Smicha, Orthodox ordination engrosses me even more. And as someone who plans on attending an Orthodox Yeshiva/Rabbinic School (YCT) that often gets criticized for its left leaning tendencies and is slandered by individuals saying that the school is paving the way toward ordaining female Rabbis, a news story about a women being ordained as an Orthodox Rabbi certainly caught my eye.

The very notion of a women being ordained as an Orthodox Rabbi is grating for me, not because of any anti-feminist feelings, but precisely because it has been the tool of attack against Open Orthodoxy for a long time now. This, despite clear statements from the movement that they carried no intentions to upset the fabric of Orthodoxy and Halacha and certainly carried no plans to ordain women. Now that it has "happened", and I put that in quotes because the verdict is still out, and depending on who you ask, her ordination is anything but Orthodox, I fear a backlash against Modern Orthodoxy in general, and certainly against Open Orthodox and other liberal orthodox spheres. Once again though, I find that I'm inadequately prepared to rule on the issue at hand, because the reality is, as one yet to actually start his studies for Smicha, I really don't know the issues at hand and the relevant Halacha (Jewish Legal Code) that is affected.

To that end, all I can say is that my first reaction to this story is not positive. I applaud advancement of women to the fullest extent within Halacha. I encourage there study as well as their input. However, at the same time, I believe that equality is not only achieved through sameness, and that in fact, we loose a lot when we fail to delineate in our society. Women have a lot to contribute within their roles as women, equally so to men. I just wonder what price we pay when we start demanding that sameness be applied to create equality.However, this can only be my first reaction until I truly know what is involved. I applaud her desire and motivation to learn, to teach, and be involved in the Jewish community, just question the approach. I reserve judgment on the Halachic issues for now until I know more, and rely instead on my teachers and on traditions.

A Hat Tip to Esther over at Jewlicious for bringing this story to my attention. (I know you like to be known as "from Urban Kvetch" or one of your other personal blogs more, but I read it at Jewlicious this time.) The Jewlicious thread can be found [here].

View the Story as it appeared in the Jerusalem Post[here].
View what seems to be the source for much of the article at this JVL Page [here].

Other Articles and Blogs that comment on the issue and provide perspective can be found below:
SFGate.com Article - Quiet Revolution in the Synagogue
In Context Blog - They Call Her 'Rabbi'
Am Echad Blog - Mazel Tov Dr. Rabbi Ner-David
Some may remember AmEchad's early supportive comments to this blog, much appreciated.
Emes Ve-Emunah Blog - Orthodox Feminist Haviva Ner-David: Rabbi
Emes Ve-Emunah Blog - Female Rabbis in Orthodoxy
Hirhurim Blog - So-Called-Orthodox Women Rabbi
Hirhurim Blog - The Ordination of Women

**An UPDATE: With the passage of time, a few other worthwhile articles have appeared in the blog world. I'm not about to list everything that's come out, but I wanted to link to a few other sources that offer some interesting perspectives and side notes that havn't been covered yet. They are below:
Drew Kaplan's Blog - On the Grammatical Question of Women Rabbis
From NY to London - Female Rabbis
From NY to London - On Women and Judaism
I put up the second source from Alexis (From NY to London) because I found myself nodding my head in agreement to just about everything she expressed. **

One of the things I noticed from a lot of the comments on other blogs is that both sides seem to be responding immediately from an emotional gut type perspective. I really encourage and desire feedback and comments, but I would prefer that they were thought out, insightful comments, not emotionally explosive, incite-ful comments.

In other news, Israel saved Abbas from a Hamas assassination attempt today. Read the brief article [here].

Shabbat Shalom

2006-05-05T17:17:00.000-04:00

Shabbat Shalom Everyone, may this shabbos bring true Shalem and comfort to everyone.

**Articles of Interest:**
Part 1, Part 2 - I'd love to hear what you guys think about this story and the governments response...

Friends Rock!

2006-05-04T23:45:00.000-04:00

My friends are awesome! Between the practical advice, the love sent over voicemail, and the offers of help, I just want to say thanks to all of you. You're going to really be what helps me through all this. Thanks!

A Change of Tides

2006-05-04T18:25:00.000-04:00

Before I start, please pray for my father, Baruch Matan ben Miriam, to have a compete Refuah Shlema, a complete recovery. (Story will follow.)

But one short week ago I was on a crazy high. Life was fantastic,manageable, and optimism was running rampant that it was only going to get better. My Undergraduate career had only two weeks left, and only two assignments. I'd applied to ROI120 and had dreams of going to Israel. Rabbinic School seemed like such a certain reality that I was looking at housing. Everything just seemed like it was in place and that G-d was taking care of everything.

Then everything started falling apart. It was a gradual process over the last week, but my optimism has been swept aside in the change of tides and a melancholy and pessimism has replaced it.

It started one week ago, Thursday night, when I lapsed in my personal observance. I was no Purim Hero that night. I'm not going to go into details (everyone's battle is there own, and for each of us our challenges are different), but my Yetzer Horah (Evil Inclination) won a relatively major battle in its ongoing war against me. Slips and slides have been relatively consistent throughout my T'Shuva process (The process of becoming Torah observant), but as bumps in the road go, this one was a duzey. Divine Retribution, it would seem to me at least, was quick to execute its punishment as waking up that next morning I would find out that I was not accepted to ROI120. Good ol' Jewish Guilt in overdrive, I'd felt that I paid my price, and laid blame immediately upon myself. Israel was no longer a reality for me this summer. The tide change had begun, but it was far from over.

The Yetzer Horah is like a Bull. The more you back it into a corner the harder and angrier it charges. It would not be content to win just its last battle, and as guilt crushed it in the early stages into a point of near submission, once truly backed up it unleashed with a passion as of yet unseen. Things started to spiral out of control and the rationalization process started to kick in. (Possibly the worst thing ever for a Bal T'Shuva. After years of working so hard to achieve the place I had in my path to Hashem, it seemed like I could loose my footing all at once and end up undoing everything I'd worked so hard for. I started to doubt myself and my ability to be a future Rabbi. Who am I that I think I can provide guidance and insight for others when my own life is out of control.

Time was not on my side in this regard. My in person interview is rapidly approaching. (I have it on Monday.) What previously seemed like it was only going to be a formality, now seems like it may be a nail in the coffin of my future aspirations. Confidence has been replaced by uncertainty and feelings of inadequacy. And fears that previously were irrational lay siege on my conscience teasing me that I will be denied admission and be left without a plan and without a future. It's a combination, I think, of being denied ROI120, which I allowed myself to get prematurely excited about, and actual feelings of inadequacy and non-deservedness after my latest encounters and losses to my Yetzer Hara.

It doesn't stop there though, of course not. My final assignment, a 20 page research paper due on Wednesday, puts continual pressure on the back of my mind. Because of travel arraignments, I don't return from NYC until late on the night right before it is due. This leaves me with only tonight, tomorrow, and a few hours before it is due, to finish.While that should be completely doable, my current state of melancholy has been accompanied by sloth and apathy. If I can't rouse myself again, I won't be able to finish. Simultaneous preparations for the Rabbinic school interview and skills assessment test don't help in dealing with the time crunch.

To top it all off, about an hour ago I got a call from my mother informing that my father is in the hospital. (This is why there's the davening plea.) I knew something was up the moment she called. (As some of you who've been following know, I've been independent for a longtime, and don't really have an active relationship with either of my parents.) More over, I knew it wasn't good when she was informing me about my father, as the two are not exactly on speaking terms.Thankfully, it doesn't seem too serious. He's in the hospital mostly for observation at this point, but he has been having difficulty breathing as of late. (Something I didn't know about until this phone call.) Of course, my first reaction was to again lay the fault for this upon myself and my recent loses to my evil inclination. I actually broke out into tears and asked G-d not to punish those around me for my sins. I realize it's foolish and even a bit of personal sabotage to think like that, and yet I can't shake that reaction. Please pray for him. (Baruch Matan Ben Miriam.)

This next week is the crux of the rest of my life. It determines everything, and I'm not sure I'm in shape to deal with it. The solutions are obvious, and if I were advising another it would seem so simple. Yet all I can seem to do is beg G-d to forgive me and help me through it. I just hope it's not too late to change the tides again.

**As an aside, this is what I was going to blog about, guess you should just read the article. [Here] It's about AMI - Artists and Musicians for Israel and seems to be a good thing.**

Lazy Blogging

2006-04-30T20:21:00.000-04:00

Ok... I'm a bit under pressure to finish my last two assignments of my undergraduate career, so I don't really have time to be blogging, but I just read 4 news stories that I wanted to share. So in lazy blogger fashion, here are the links:

B'nei Menashe Soldier Honored, Family Still Stuck in India (All the "Lost" tribes really interest me...)

Online Jewish Film Archive Offers Glimpse Into the Past (It's an old story but a good write up, the actual site under review [here] is also a great way to waste away extra time that I don't have right now...)

Diaspora Bible Champ Crowned (These kids are impressive, I wish I knew half what they did...)

Rav Moshe Halberstam, First to Renew Semikha, Dies at 74 (I havn't had time to really give this a lot of thought, but the renewed Sanhedrine and Smicha stuff also really interests me, I'm curious where it's all leading up to...)

Still no going home for me...

2006-04-28T10:50:00.000-04:00

This mornings email brought with it the crushed hope of returning home to Israel this summer. I was officially turned down for the ROI 120 conference. Needless to say I'm not happy about it, but I do wish those who where accepted much success on their endeavors. (If your curious about the conference, you can read about it at an old post here.)

In the mean time, if anyone else wants to pay for this ol' puppy to go home to Israel for a few weeks this summer, I'll gladly wag my tail.

An update from Earlier...

2006-04-27T20:16:00.001-04:00

Props to TM from Jewlicious for linking to this update over on their site. Apparently, PSU has recanted and Josh will be able to show his artwork. Read the article for details here. The earlier post can be found here.

A Worthwhile Read...

2006-04-27T01:05:00.000-04:00

Arutzsheva has a great write up about this years Boombamela festival here. Mordechai Zellar was a good friend of mine in Israel, and reading the article brought back plenty of memories from my great Pesach at the festival. (As talked about at this earlier post.) The very name of the Jewish Camp "Ohel Ahava V'Tefilla" - Tent of Love and Prayer, is characteristic of the approach that we need to be willing to take in accepting and inspiring the countless unaffiliated Jews out there. Obviously, not everyone is a hippie, and Boombamela isn't for everyone, but the theory behind accepting people for who they are, showing them love, and then teaching them in a loving, open and friendly environment can be adapted to just about any context. Acceptance and love of a person does not have to come with condoning or liking their actions and beliefs, but it IS a requirement if the person is ever going to open up to the possibility of listening and absorbing what you've got to teach and share. The healing of our people can only come out of acceptance and love, not fear and rejection. This is the great lesson that can be gleaned from reading the article and experiencing events like that first hand. Now we just need to do more of it...

Some Bat Ayin Guys Dancing at Boombamela

Tzvi (A friend of mine from Bat Ayin) connecting

Hey Jude...

2006-04-26T00:58:00.000-04:00

It was Yom HaShoa today. The day we remember the Holocaust. It is one of the few times I ever wear black clothing, this already seemed to freak people out. But the yellow star I wore today with "Jude" printed on it (German for Jew) sparked a much larger reaction.

I made it a point not to talk today if I could avoid it, absent of the Yom HaShoa program I ran for my Jr. NCSYers anyway. It wasn't a taynat dibur (A fast of words where one doesn't speak as a means of gleaning the value and power of words). But in my mind, words lacked the power to really convey the message of the day.

Rather, normally bubbly me was solemn, silent, and dressed in black (I make it a point to only wear black for periods of morning), completely out of character. This drew attention, but the power seemed to rest in the little yellow star pinned to my chest.

When I walked into my class today the room paused and fell silent. Many did not even know that it was Holocaust Memorial Day, but many more momentarily cringed, and an awkward impromptu moment of silence was had. Later one of the local area high school teachers who was taking the class with me approached me and thanked me. I'm not sure if she is Jewish or not, or that I really even did anything, but she was moved and wanted me to know it.

After class I proceeded to NCSY. The event was simple, yet heavy.Sitting on the floor in a darkened room around a single candle, the kids were each given copies of the lyrics for Wu Tang's Never Again and the powerful rap was played for them. This set the tone. After a brief introduction, I passed out biographies of children from the holocaust, a mix of survivors and non-survivors. Each NCSYer read one of the biographies as if they themselves were that person. The goal of this was that they should more readily be able to internalize the monologues. I made a point, especially because of the age range involved not to have any graphic imagery or descriptions. Everything was simple yet powerful. We then talked about the importance of their particular generation being the last of the generations who are going to be able to remember hearing survivor accounts first hand and the special responsibility that lay upon their shoulders for the coming decades where Holocaust deniers are only going to gain clout. Finally, we closed by discussion why it is so important to remember, why it is so important to make sure that Never Again can it happen, and how the Jewish State of Israel figures into that equation. We played Wu Tang's Never Again one last time, and then sang Hatikvah in the direction of the Israeli flag I'd hung. Amazingly, the children (grades 3-7) were well behaved, and focused, throughout the duration, all one and a half hours of it. For some of these kids with chronic ADHD I'd just figured that would be impossible, but in the end they all were attentive and gained a lot.

All this however only caused a surface reaction in my personal self. I was too focused on practical details with implementation to really be impacted by the day. That is, until I went to the grocery store anyway.This is where my wake up call happened. I went to the kosher freezer section to pick up dinner. I was out of food because I hadn't done any chametz shopping since Pesach ended. There an elderly couple was standing in front of the coolers completely blocking my ability to grab the kosher pizza I wanted to buy. I cleared my throat and said excuse me and the women turned and shrieked, went white, and nearly fainted. I thought at first I'd just startled her, but that was not the case. Apparently I'd forgotten to remove my little yellow star. I have no idea if she was a survivor, she seemed young for that. Perhaps she was a child of a survivor, or a child of one of the allied refugee camps after the war. Whatever her background though, that star represented horror. She begged me to tell her that everything was ok,that no new persecutions were abound. I explained to her that it was Yom HaShoa and that I hadn't taken it off yet from an earlier event,but she was still flustered. Her fear had been real, and the pain in her eyes still burned. That is when the power of the day hit me. As we exchanged goodbyes and well wishes I realized that I'd gained more from her in that one instant then any ceremony or program could have imparted on me over the course of the day. It was clear in her mind and clear in mine that Never Again can we let this happen.

Maybe the Beatles had it right when they sang, "Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better." They were talking about something else entirely, but we Judes should listen up, the Holocaust was a sad song, possibly the saddest in our nations long history, it is up to us not to make it into something only bad, but to take the lessons we learned from our experience and make our collective song better.

PSU's Discrimination of Nondiscrimination

2006-04-23T23:02:00.000-04:00

The above picture is an advertisement from a previous exhibition by Josh Stulman at Penn State University's School of Visual Arts. One which was co-sponsored by PSU's Hillel (You may have to squint to read the tag line at the bottom... It reads: "Opening sponsored by Hillel Foundation for Jewish Campus Life"). Stulman's latest endeavor however has been canceled by his University at the last minute for being in violation of the campus Statement on Nondiscrimination and Harassment and Penn State's Zero Tolerance Policy for Hate. (Read the article about it in the PSU Collegian Newspaper here.) His latest exhibit is also apparently (according to the school) not his own endeavor, but rather an attempt by an organization to push its agenda. "Garoian (professor and director of the School of Visual Arts) also wrote that exhibit space in the School of Visual Arts is reserved for students and faculty, not groups with a particular agenda." Strangely, all the art is uniquely his own and without prompting from Hillel, and the sponsorship of Hillel did not seem to be a problem in the past.

So what exactly is so problematic and controversial about his artwork?The answer... It's about Palestinian Terrorism. His gallery entitled "Portraits of Terror" was to display in the Patterson Building but was cancelled by email just 3 days before it was scheduled to open. The emails reasoning... His exhibit on images of terrorism "did not promote cultural diversity" or "opportunities for democratic dialogue" Sounds like a bunch of BS to me.

Now admittedly, I don't know much about the current campus culture and politics at PSU. But, at my university student groups like the MSU(Muslim Students Association) and other groups have been able to openly display imagery of Israeli "atrocities" and been able to paint pictures(metaphor intended) of the "apartheid state" of Israel and its"terrorist government" and during all these instances the groups right to free speech was upheld. Admittedly, by comparison to other campuses though, my university is largely apathetic and real issues are largely non-existent. Perhaps PSU has a legitimate fear of hostility and backlash as a result of the event, it's hard to say, but at the very least they need to be open about their true fears that cause them to cancel the event, rather then attempt to make ridicules claims as they have. At this point, however, it is very hard not to look at this as a discriminatory act by their administration.

Regardless, if anyone who reads this is actually around PSU's neighborhood, I encourage you to keep your eyes and ears open as Josh and Hillel attempt to find another venue to display his work. And when you do, try to make an effort to go out and support him.

Something I found interesting...

2006-04-18T18:52:00.000-04:00

Thanks to reading "R"'s blog, I came across this interesting individual. (Interesting to me anyway...) Aviel Barclay is a woman trying to do what she loves, and what she loves is Soferut (Jewish Ritual Calligraphy) She is by her own label a Soferet. (The term for a female Sofer - something that it is unclear if there even has been one in the past. ) You can check out her Blog here.

So what's my connection besides the human interest story? Well, it seems that it is controversial as to whether or not female Soferut is allowed. See article from the Forward Here... In that article you'll see if you read close that "according to Dov Linzer, head of academics at New York's Chovevei Torah rabbinical seminary, the Talmud clearly states that women are not allowed to write a Torah scroll for ritual use. Linzer pointed to an oft-cited passage (Tractate Gittin 45b) that specifically includes women among those who cannot produce a kosher Torah scroll."

IM"H I'll be attending Chovevei this coming year. Chovevei gets a lot of slack for being "too open" and having an "agenda contrary to classical orthodoxy". It has even been stated that suspicions loom that Chovevei hopes to ordain women Rabbi's . (See responses to the Cardinal Visit from my earlier post...) Now... I don't know about you, but a female sofer seems less controversial then a woman Rabbi... Though of course I know little of the relevant Halacha. So this story kind of eases a little of my concern that one day my school would be seen as nothing more then another JTS (Jewish Theological Seminary - The Conservative movements flagship rabbinic school.) and that my Smicha would not be accepted as Orthodox. I think this can serve as a clear sign that the school knows the boundary of Halacha and isn't willing to cross it, period, even while maintaining a commitment to openness and inclusion of women as much as possible.

I do wonder however what his take would be on women Soferetot who would not write for ritual use... Guess I'll have to ask him when I get there. Anyway, regardless, her commitment and passion are admirable and inspiring even if her finished product can't be used for ritual purposes, and her artwork is nothing short of fantastic. I wish her continued growth and success.

Chag Samayach

Pre-Pesach Plans and Predictions

2006-04-11T22:15:00.000-04:00

I apologies in advance for the length of this post...

So for some time now I've been praying for a way to return to the home of my heart, to Israel, even if only for a little while. (It's been almost two years now since I left home.) And while I hate getting my hopes up, It seems there is a chance now that maybe, just maybe, my prayers have been answered and I can see home again before another extended absence begins while studying for Smicha in NYC. The chance; a conference, ROI120 (Return on Investment 120 - like the life of Moshe Rabbenu, the number of people on the historic Sanhedrin, and the number of people who will be chosen to attend the conference. )

So what's the deal? In their words: We hope to find and nurture an exceptional group of young Jews, people of excellence and character who are deeply motivated and committed to ensuring the vibrancy of Jewish life. We will invite 120 of them to be our guests in Jerusalem this summer in the inaugural gathering we have named "ROI 120."

What it means for me? If I get chosen, they fly me out to Israel and cover all expenses including airfare to get me there to participate(That means food and accommodations also). I've no idea if I can extend my ticket or not (it'd be so amazing if I could stay for even just one Shabbat...), or if I even really have a chance of being chosen to participate. But with my summer being relegated to camp for the latter half, and apartment hunting in the early going, the dates that they picked for the conference are basically screaming my name. (In other words they fall when I can actually make it!)

Of course, their stated intentions are fantastic and I really believe that they should bring the best and brightest (even though I'd love to believe I'm one of them...) That being said, the link to apply is HERE and if you qualify and think your a good fit and will make a good contribution then you should apply. Also selfish me wants no one to apply so I can certainly go, the part of me that believes in their mission and truly cares about Am Yisrael would rather sacrifice the free trip if that meant someone better could go who'd make a larger positive impact for the Jewish people.

In other news...

Passover is tomorrow night. I'm fasting tomorrow being that I'm a Bachor (First Born - First Born males fast the day of the Seder until the Seder to commemorate the deaths of the first born of Egypt. ) and I'm not in an area where I'm going to hear a Siyum (completion of a lengthy Torah/Talmud study that ends in a big celebration) or experience a Bris or something tomorrow. I get to get up early and burn my Chametz though just like everyone else.

My new convection oven arrived a while ago (See earlier post to hear what happened to the last one), but I decided to save it for Pesach and I think it was the right call. The Techelet (Blue String died Tzitzit)that I ordered from Israel arrived today, just in time for me to tie the new pair of Tzitzit in time for Pesach. I'm also just about finished with crocheting my new kippah, I'll finish that after this post. So things have been falling together last minute as usual. (G-d apparently likes to keep me hanging, but he always seems to pull through in the end...) And my landlord even came today and finally installed the new dryer so my closet clothesline could come down (See earlier post) and I could wash my sheets, blankets, towels, and cloths before passover. Like I said, last minute indeed.

Living with an apartment mate who does not follow traditional halacha or keep mitzvot regularly (but who is a great guy, friend, human, and yes, even a good Jew in his own way, though he doesn't like to admit it), make Passover really interesting. Needless to say I'm selling everything in my apartment except my room. My room at least is Chametz free and will stay that way. (He is phenomenal when it comes to respecting my practice, even though he doesn't share the same outlook and believes. A true friend.

As a result of the coming holiday, I don't have class for two weeks!Which is great! I still have 2 major assignments that need to be finished over this time, but they are definitely doable. I've got a Yom HaShoa event for my Jr. NCSY'ers to plan also. (That's going to be fun,and by fun, I mean not so...) I've got to make the arraignments to crash by someone in the city on the 7th and 8th of May as I make my way down to Chovevei to finally meet the Rabbayim in person, go through the formal interviews and have a formal bechina (exam) with R' Katz. I have to buy plane tickets still also. With the dates set for NCSY's Spring convention and now not conflicting with my University graduation I need to decide If I want to break my streak of non-attendance and actually attend my graduation.

I move out of my apartment in about a month and a half, and I still have so much to do in that time, and so much to figure out. (I've no idea how I'm even doing the more, or where I'm going yet.) Thinking about it is really kind of overwhelming, having the next several days be Yom Tov and Shabbat couldn't have come at a better time, I really need the time off from this stress and worry to just not think about any of that stuff, to just rest, relax and enjoy. It's truly great being a Jew!

So with that, I wish you all a Chag Kasher V'Samayach (A Kosher Happy Holiday) and sign off for a while...

Peace

Chovevei's Chutzpah, or YCTorah's Beautiful Aura?

2006-04-09T21:44:00.000-04:00

On March 27th, Just a little while ago, while I was busy working on my application for Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, the school was busy welcoming a group of Cardinals and Bishops, part of a World Jewish Congress led-delegation. This was an event that did not go unnoticed as a look at the picture above clearly displays the press who covered the event. As such it was also not without controversy. As I was not there myself, and only recently found out about it, I am ill prepared to attempt to cover it in any fashion, rather I would direct the reader to follow any or all of the links below. They cover a spectrum of opinion from the official position of the Yeshiva to the position of its critics and a range of casual blog commenters and their opinions for good measure.

Now, in my case, I know next to nothing about the issues involved and certainly do not qualify to weigh in on the halachic debate. I can only have an open mind and try to gauge the impact that events like this have on me personally as I prepare myself to IM"H attend the school in the fall. Kach Li B'Yadecha Tati, G-d should take me in his hand. I'm following the path that he lays out for me and in the process can only hope that I don't miss read his signs. For now I do the best that I can and have faith that Hashem will take care of the rest. Regardless, I know that next year is going to be a huge year for me in terms of Torah growth, and a real period of formation for me as I solidify the direction that I will most likely be following for the rest of my life. For now, the best I can do is daven and keep on plugging.

Links to Other Blogs and Articles on the Subject:

YCT Chevre - The Official Blog of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah
Drew Kaplan's Blog - A Student at YCT
Drew Kaplan's Follow Up to Editorial in Jewish Press
Article from the Forward
On The Main Line - A Blog
Hirhurim Musings - Links to Responces of YU's Similar Event
Cross-Currents - Blogged by Yitzchok Adlerstein
The Lonely Man of Mechqar - Musings and Mutterings of a Maybe Musmakh
Editorial in Jewish Press
Canonist - Blog of Steven I. Weiss
Canonist - Responce to Cross-Currents

Shabbat Shalom Indeed!

2006-04-07T18:04:00.000-04:00

Shalom comes from the root Shalem, Shleimut, Completeness, Settled. This Shabbat brings for me a true Shleimut for the first time in a while. No longer do I have applictions hanging over my head, or interviews to prepare for. I've closed that chapter and after shabbos will begin the next. But this Shabbat, this shabbat I am B'Shleimut. I'm settled. This is going to be a true Shabbat Shalom.

Good Thing Pesach is Coming Because I Need Some Seder in My Live

2006-04-05T23:47:00.000-04:00

As I plan for my remaining time in Rochester, and look toward Pesach, and the plans that I'm making, I recall fondly the beach at Boombamella during Chol HaMoed of my year in Israel. This Chol Hamoed I'll be spending one day in class, maybe doing one event with my NCSY'ers and spending the rest of the time cracking the whip over my head getting ready for yeshiva. A far cry from the beach. Now that the realization that I'll be spending an extended period in the states has begun to set in a dull sadness is beginning to set in as well. Homesickness you might call it. I waited two long years, anxious to go back, and as soon as the time arrived, and my excitement built up, plans changed. Men Trachet un Gaut Lacht (Men Plan and G-d Laughs... - a famous Yiddish expression...)

Anyway, I can go for short periods of time though on my breaks and what not, the issue becomes funding, so if anyone wants to fund a round trip ticket for me this summer I'll gladly jump at the opportunity. Or if your a group looking for a Birthright Madrich, or other group leader, and willing to pay my way to Israel, I'll gladly take you. But at this point I guess I'm dreaming. My summer is going to be spent looking for an apartment in Manhattan, trying to make some money somewhere, hopefully doing Keshet again this summer at the Wildrose Moshava. (That office is starting to drive me crazy with their disorganization and poor communication, you'd think I'd be used to it after 6 years, but I'm not...) And looking for a place to learn/pump up my textual abilities before I start Mechina in the fall. So I guess if you know a good summer yeshiva program that's free, or better yet pays you to learn, I'm in...

I also have to figure out how to deal with the hassle of moving. I can't rent a truck because I'm under 25, and it's really expensive to move just about any other way. Maybe I can borrow a van or something, I have to get on that though, my lease is up in 2 months... But, I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. First and for most, I need to finish my Chovevei application and mail it out tomorrow, then I have Pesach to worry about, and finals, then moving out, then apartment hunting, then summer program... I guess that's the order. Really, I've just got to get myself organized and get on the ball, I can't just coast any more the way I have for the last 2 years. You just can't coast through transition periods, and this is probably the biggest transition I'm going to experience as a single individual.

Who Am I Anyway?

2006-04-04T23:39:00.000-04:00

For those of you who know me, you've already realized the clown picture is just some random picture off the web that had the word Purim, and really has nothing to do with me. To you guys, this South Park'ified image of me will seem pretty familiar and either bring you to laugh or at least feelings of nostalgia. To the rest of you who don't know who I am, mostly because I've chosen to keep this persona as an anonymous forum, this picture will hopefully give you some image to attach to me. It was made during my sophomore year of college while I was living at the Drama House on my campus. Everyone had one. Basically, non of us made our own, so what you see is someone else's South Park impersonation of me. Apparently I'm a softy with a big heart or something...

Anyway, if any of you think I should replace the scary clown with this image, let me know, I can photoshop in the word Purim easily enough, I could probably even do that with Microsoft Paint.

On to the Future...

2006-04-04T01:13:00.000-04:00

This is the point of transition for me. Today was my last day working at my campus job. From now on I will be focusing that time towards preparing for Chovevei next year. Before, everything was planning, and relegated to the sphear of theory. Now, tangible steps and practicle changes are taking place in my schedual. It's moved out of imagination and into action, out of dream and into reality. It's becoming concreate, it's becomeing real.

Truthfully, it hasn't set in yet. The day is ending, sleep is coming, and Tuesdays don't change for me, I still have class and Jr. NCSY on my schedual, and don't begin my altered schedual until Wendsday. But there is a paradime shift non the less. I've got a major presentation in class tomorrow, but aside from that all that's left for me to do is finish my formal application and mail it. Thursday is my first Chavruta with Lev, and the coming week is the first full week on my new schedual. Your not going to be able to read it, and I need to sleep so I'm not going to transfer it now, but to give a glimps, above is the screen shot from the outlook calender. The green are independent learning, the blue are chavrutas and class (there are only 3 classes). If you expand the image you can kind of make it out. I'd love feedback from those who've tried setting up independent seder lilmud before, and any tips for success and self disipline.

Anyway, there's a lot ahead of me, and chapters left to process behind me. But right now, all that is in the present is my bed. G'night

Oo'Knai Lecha Chaver

2006-03-31T11:37:00.000-05:00

The 6th Mishna in Perkei Avot (R' Yehoshua ben Perachyah) enjoys all of us "Aseh Lecha Rav, Oo'Knai Lecha Chaver, v'Hevei Dan Et Kol Ha'Adam L'Chaf Zchut." Make for yourslef a teacher, aquire for yourself a friend, and judge everyone favorably.

It seems that as of late, I've been spending a lot of time on the first part of that statement as I've faced the tough decision of which rabbinic school to enroll in. However, the next part of the statement is equally important, and I just wanted to share with you an example of just how good of a friend I have.

Tonight is Shabbat, tonight is also when an NCSYer of mine who got into the University of Rochester (where I attend) is coming to visit me for the weekend and check out the school. Here's the problem. His only mode of transportation here from Buffalo NY (over an hour away) would not allow him to arrive prior to Shabbat. Upon hearing this, my good friend Levi Yitzchak (named after R' Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev, so I guess this really isn't such a suprise) aka, Lev, immediatly declared his intent to drive the 2.5 hour round trip to pick up my NCSYer from Buffalo before Shabbat, despite his already hecktic pre-Shabbat schedual. He asks nothing in return, no gas, no tolls, and doesn't want any recognition. Yet, HaKaret HaTov is needed, so I'm doing it here, on a blog that affords him some anonymity, and at the very least, I happen to know he doesn't read it, since he doesn't spend his time online in that fashion. (No Facebook, No Forums, Stricktly Business) His only reason for doing it is his love for Am Yisrael, and for Shabbat, and out of his friendship for me. He is my soon to be Chavruta, my Friend, my Confidant, and a Roll Model. A man whom, dispite my best efforts to employ the Judge everyone favorably part of that same Mishna, I just can't hold him in any higher esteem then I already do.
I'm sure going to miss seeing him every Shabbos next year.

Oh well... Shabbat is Coming... Kol Tuv, Peace

Two Different Views... No Really... Look...

2006-03-30T02:45:00.000-05:00

At this point I'm franticly trying to fill out the formal application for Chovevei that was due in January, but is absolutly unacceptable past April 11th. (That's when they are supposed to notify all applicants of their status and finalize classes for next year.) It seems clear to me now that I'll be there next year. In retrospect this is shocking as it wasn't even a remote possiblility half a year ago. A lot can change in 3 months apparently, and G-d works in really crazy ways. In a way, even though that shidduch didn't work out, it was probalby just about the only thing that could have led to this outcome, and therefore probably for the best. The whole thing just clicks, it makes so much sense. The timing was absolute, with no margin for error, and the circumstances had to be just right. No one could have predicted this outcome, especially not myself. All I can do is say "Mi K'Mocha Hashem" (who is like you Hashem) that you bend the world to shape your will while allowing the whole process to come about by our free choice. Incredable! Though it is hard to think that I'm giving up the latter view for the first. Gee I miss Israel. I've got to come up with some way to get there on all of my breaks, and that year of study abroad that people keep telling me I can do. Oh well... Kach Li B'Yadecha Hashem (Take me in your hands G-d), I can't think of anyone more trustworthy to lead me along the right path.

Gahh... Changes...

2006-03-29T01:21:00.000-05:00

Shabbaton was Great! Life is Good! A lot is changing. And everything (school, work, new routines, applications, lease issues, need for sleep, and much more) is all happening NOW!!! I'll post more details as soon as I catch up to myself. In the mean time know that exciting times are ahead for me if I can keep my head above water. I'll be posting some things like my new schedual for feedback in the days ahead, but first I've got to capitalize on time and sleep. G'night :)

Closet Creativity

2006-03-24T04:00:00.000-05:00

Something invariably always happens to me before or right after ever NCSY shabbaton that I do. It always has, anyway, and tonight the trend continued. Whether bus breakdowns, an accident, a dryer fire, a lockout, each time it’s forced me to face a new last minute challenge, find a creative solution, and maintain my outward calm and good humor so that I can continue to portray the role I need to for all of my NCSYers.

This weekend is a special Sr. NCSY Shabbaton in Schenectady (one of the cities in Har Sinai Region, and also where I grew up,) called Yarchi Kallah. It’s a learning intensive, source orientated convention. And just like every other convention, even though it doesn’t start for 7 hours yet, something has already happened. This time again it was with my dryer. While doing laundry tonight to be read so I could pack for the weekend excursion, the dryer broke. It no longer spun, just blew hot air onto unmoving clothes. Needless to say this wasn’t working well… the top layer was starting to brown and the bottom layer was soaking wet still when I went downstairs to the basement and figured out there was a problem. What was I to do though, I needed the clothing, in particular the NCSY gear for the shabbaton, but now it was all wet. (It had been dirty from the Jr. Shabbaton last week, but the washing machine did its job just fine.) In the end I partook in a multi pronged attack, hanging some clothes up over the shower curtains bar, others in the space in my closet, others I ironed until they were dry, and for my undergarments, I built a clothes rack. (I’m trying to post pictures for the first time, if it works then the picture above is the makeshift rack made of hangers and yarn that was meant for making kippot.) I just hope it’s dry come morning when I have to pack it. But with only 3 hours until I’m supposed to be awake, it’s going to be tight. At least I bit the bullet this time before shabbaton started Bli Ayin Harah…

The Difficult Discipline of Self Discipline

2006-03-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

While my mind is yet to be made up, with the help of friends and other people whose opinions matter in my life, I’m slowly starting to lean in a direction. I still have one or two more opinions to seek before the verdict can come back, like my second Rosh Yeshiva from Bat Ayin who is actually speaking at Chovevei as a guest lecturer as I type this. But for the time being it seems more and more like Riverdale is going to be my home for the next 5 years and Chovevei my school. (Wow I miss Israel… How can I postpone going back for even longer I don’t really know…)

I owe a debt of gratitude to my good friend Avi R. who was with me in Bat Ayin, and will be starting Chovevei next year, for helping me to think through all the ramifications, and put things into perspective. As you pointed out, either way it's Torah, both options are good. You’ve helped me out more then you’ll ever know.

With my future moving forward along a more concrete direction, it’s time to start taking more directed steps. I put in my 2 week notice to quit my job on Monday. This is giving me back significant time into my week. (It’ll make my formal week of Classes and Youth Group Job only a 2 day experience. I’ll start my week on Tues. at 3:25pm and End it on Wends. at 7:00pm. If I was a party person that’d be ridicules.) However, what it also means is that I have the hard task of setting up a new personal Seder Lilmud (Schedule for Learning) and forcing myself to actually stick with it.

In my mind, few things are harder then self-regulation. It’s just too easy to come up with an excuse why “just this time I’m going to take an extra break,” or “what’s an extra hour of sleep when I’m already studying a lot,” or the famous “I’ll just check my email, it won’t take long.” But never the less I need to do it. I want to start Smicha in the fall, and to do that I need to get my textual comfort and skill level up, and the only way to do that is through hard work.

Even the act of simply making the schedule is not proving easy. (Not to mention that I’m not exactly sure what the most efficient use of my time is.) I’ve still got to schedule Chavrutas with 2 people, as well as find a way to gain some variety in my learning so that I don’t burn out to fast. All this while focusing specifically on fluency acquisition, not covering ground and acquiring lots of substance knowledge. But even when I figure this out (any suggestions welcome…) I’ve still got to actually sit down and do it, and not cave into the myriads of distractions that only will become more appealing as I become more frustrated. (Again, any suggestions/methodologies for achieving self discipline are very welcome…) It’s a great opportunity, and also a great challenge, I just hope I’m up to it.

Expensive Blunder, How My Convection Oven IS Toast

2006-03-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

So in my haste and sleepiness yesterday morning I managed to treif up (make non-kosher) my only cooking devise for Dairy food, My Ultravection Oven. Basically, I grabbed a frozen Burrito from the freezer to make for breakfast, and didn't look closely at the package. Why should I have, I only bought the Cheese and Bean ones, even commenting to my friend that there was no point in buying the Beef and Bean ones because my only cooking devise for meat is a Forman grill. Or so I thought...

Apparently, of the 12 Burritos I'd grabbed from the freezer over at the local kosher butcher, one Beef and Bean one had slipped in. (Good ol' Guys at Old City Cafe making both the Meat and Dairy versions look the same from the Packaging at first glance. You actually have to read them to see what one you have...) Anyway, with my interview in the early morning, and my lack of sleep from preparing for it late into the night, I just relied upon the fact that I'd bought "only the cheese ones" and threw it into the Ultravection oven without bothering to read the package.

Needless to say, 15 min later I not only had a great looking, great smelling, piping hot burrito that I couldn't eat, but a now worthless Ultravection oven that because of it's nature I can't Kasher. (The hot parts aren't all exposed; I'd have to take a torch to the internals of the thing, since the blown air moves steam everywhere). I was also of course hungry, and running late for work. I grabbed an apple and bolted.

Flash forward to this morning and a little online research. The Ultravection Oven that I liked so much and used just about every day (less Shabbat) is no longer being manufactured and it can't be bought anywhere. (Except for one used one on eBay, but if I wanted a used, non-kosher oven, then I've already got one...) So instead I've been browsing for suitable replacements. They run in the range of $100. Talk about an expensive blunder. Especially, when after this summer I'll be living in a different place and might not even need a counter top oven. But as I look in my kitchen and almost everything I eat depended on the ability to use that oven, I'm going to have to break down and buy another one. Oh well... Zoat Kapparati, May this be a Kapparah for me. (A transference of punishment for any of my wrongdoings in this world, kind of like karma, but not really).

Keeping it Kitzer

2006-03-20T09:37:00.000-05:00

My first 2 comments were tombs... I'm going to need to learn to keep things kitzur (short, to the point). Anyway, Just wanted to update, my 8:30 am interview went really well. I wasn't so sure about it though until after I unmasked what was a little confusion. You see, I was under the impression, and still am, that I was looking to enter the Mechina (1 year pre-smicha prep) program. Apparently, the Rav. thought that I was trying to enter the first year of the smicha program right away in the fall without doing mechina. He tried to let me down gently that I just wasn't ready. That I showed intellegence and competency with comprehention, but simply lacked fluidity and skills with the anchient aramaic. He asured me that with lots and lots of hard work it MIGHT be possible for me to be ready for the fall, but expressed dought, and was unready to recomend it. Of course, I still thought he was talking about the mechina program, my heart dropped and I thought that another door was closing. Then he told me his recomendation, keep working on my skills now and over the summer, and come do the mechina program. If I could afford (time wise) the extra year, he said, it would really be much better for me. Let's just say I'm still kvelling even now 20 min later.

I still have the formal application to do, but with a very solid bechina (for the mechina level) behind me, and comeing "highly recomended" as I've been told I do, Yeshivat Chovevei Torah may just become my home for the next 5 years... Wow, that's a long time to live in NYC. (I'm not a big fan of the city to put it mildly...) Ok... time to catch a quick hour nap before my 9 hour shift at work. Speaking of which, I believe I have a 2 week notice to submit... That's going to feel really good...

Realization of Priorities

2006-03-17T14:44:00.000-05:00

Amechad (I love that Handle) asked me a poignant question in the very first comment to this second foray into the blog world. Namely, how I would be able to make a living as a Rabbi in Israel. He’s absolutely right from a practical sense. It will take a long time, and it will not be easy.

For the first 20 years of my life (I guess it’s less then that because until your 7 or so, what do you really know anyway about your future...) I also worried a lot about Parnasa, being able to make a living. This is why it should be no surprise to anyone that I’m a political science major and legal studies minor. Like a typical good non-observant Jew, as a child I knew I was going to be a lawyer all the way (after all, the site of other people under the needle or bleeding is something I just can’t deal with, so doctor was out), and why not, the pay was good, and I was good at it. (I was captain of my mock trial team since middle school, and led my team to victory more times then not.)

During high school when I began my T’Shuva process, slowly taking on more and more mitzvot into my personal realm of observance, I still kept that mission of being an attorney at the forefront. My family had been poor, and largely uneducated, and I was going to change that, and after living through my parent’s messy divorce I had had plenty of opportunity to be exposed to many bad attorneys. It was now my mission to not just be an attorney, but a good one, a responsible one who actually cared for his clients and for justice.

College started not much differently. However, I started working as an NCSY (Jewish Youth Group) advisor (I’d actually started the year before, but…), and began working for a special needs integration camp during the summers (also started the year before). I’d always loved working with kids. I’d coached Pee-Wee wrestling in High School, and done the CIT (Counselor in Training) thing at the local JCC. But, until now, I had never done it formally, or in a Torah observant setting. I soon realized that it was one of my true loves. I also started to realize just how much the Jewish Education system, in America at least, is seriously messed up. There is a complete lack of transmission; rather there is a large amount of disaffection that comes out of the horrible Sunday school, Hebrew School, and Day school environments. Even the “religious” schools failed to really pass on any real sense of Jewish love or passion onto the next generation. I don’t even need to get into the so called ills that plagued the “Orthodox” schools. My involvement with NCSY at during the summers was my chance to try to share my newfound love for the Jewish people and the Jewish Faith and Torah with the next generation. But don’t get me wrong, I was still set to be an attorney.

In my sophomore year of college I started to become increasingly disillusioned with myself and the path I was on. I decided that I needed to finally spend a year in Israel learning in a Yeshiva. (Previous to this I’d only had spotted years of Jewish education in K-3 and 8^th grade). I needed to re-ground myself. I ended up in Yeshivat Bat Ayin, a phenomenal place. The learning was great, the focus on personal development and Avodat Hashem (serving G-d), but the physical conditions of the Yeshiva were not what I was used to. The Yeshiva was a grouping of caravans on the side of a mountain. The caravans were old with all kinds of life to them… My room was the size of my current closet. The food was good, but simple. Vegetarian during the week, and Meat only on Shabbat. (Rav Kook Style) In the end it was a productive soul searching year that forced me to really re-evaluate what was important to me. At the end of the year I’d wanted to stay, but because of army complications I was forced to return to America.

Back at college my disaffection continued to grow with American and with the prospect of being an attorney. It also continued to grow towards the system of Jewish Education. I’d now been working for NCSY and for that summer camp for an extended period of time and had the wonderful blessing of being able to see the many kids that I’d been working with for years grow and develop into young men and women. The mark that I’d made on there lives also was becoming clearer and more evident. It’s the most satisfying feeling I’ve ever experienced. I’d found my path. A little late considering I’d already completed my major and minor, but that wasn’t going to hold me back. Rabbinic school though was still another year or two out. At this point I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I just knew three things. First, whatever happened, I wanted to end up back in Israel, which in my heart of hearts is always going to be my home no matter what. Second, I wanted to be involved with molding and shaping the Jewish future. I wanted to work with Kids. In what capacity I still hadn’t managed to figure out. Finally, I knew now that money was no longer even remotely a priority. I’d lived on next to nothing my entire time in Israel, and yet I’d never been happier because I was enjoying what I was doing. I was enjoying life and its simple pleasures. With this last barrier gone, the attorney thing was no more. (Of course I still realize the need for Parnasa, especially as someone who wants to provide for a family and wishes to provide an easier life for his kids then how he grew up.)

It’s only in this past year that Smicha became a real viable option for me. I realized, that while I never want to do pulpit Rabinics which is what I’d always associated smicha with, I would need it if I were ever going to qualify myself to transmit the traditions and beauty of Torah Judaism to the next generation. So… To answer Amechad’s question, I plan on making a living out of sheer determination and passion for what I love. I want to love what I do, I want to have that feeling, knowing I’m making a difference, even if that means sacrificing a little of the extra material wants. (But none of the needs, and even some wants are still important…) So, I can’t necessarily answer your question of how, I can only say that my priorities are different. I want to be a Jewish Educator, and I want to live in Israel. Now I just need to do whatever steps it takes to make that a reality. It’s not for everyone, but I’m pretty sure now that it’s for me.

Anyway, I don’t know if that helps at all. But, Shabbat is coming, and I’ve got a lot to do still to prepare for my Shabbos Bride and Queen. (Not to mention all the NCSY’ers that I’m spending it with.) I wish everyone a good Shabbos, a Shabbat Shalom. And pray that it brings comfort and rest to us all.

The Hardest Part... Begining

2006-03-17T03:04:00.000-05:00

So... Here's the thing... I was reading my friends blog Holy Laughter in the River, when I realized that she'd taken down the link to my blog. While I'm by no means offended, after all it's a completely expected thing after failing to post even a single response, I realized that in a way I had let her down. I was under no obligation to start a blog, but nevertheless I'd started one, and allowed her to be excited about it. Looking over the logs, it's clear that in the early stages she kept checking it to see if I'd ever update the content. (I know this because I never checked it, and she was the only other person who knew it existed, and I've got to account for the page views somehow...) Anyway, I feel as if I'd set her up for disappointment, and for that I have to apologies. She's a great person, and will probably just brush aside my apology, and even tell me how ridicules it is to apologies for such a thing in the first place. However, if I'm to stand by my principles of Unity, Faith, Responsibility and Action, then I have to recognize even my smaller failures.

Now, with that aside, I've been struggling for the last several minutes trying to figure out how to begin this second attempt at the whole blog thing. I feel that I need to somehow provide background about myself, and update people as to where I am. But at the same time, I do not really want to focus in that direction and the time and effort I'd need to exert would probably deter me from following through. Therefore, I'm just going to jump in to today.

Today I had my second phone interview with the head of the Mechina program for Yeshivat Chovevei Torah. B"H it went well and I'm scheduled for a more extended interview on Monday morning. I should clarify that by interview, I mean skills evaluation. (A see, background will come out as necessary by the posts...)

I'm a Bal T'Shuva. (I hate labels... I should mention that now, you'll probably hear me rant about that a lot; however, sometimes they are the only way to convey a message.) I've been on the path, increasing in my personal Torah observance, for about 8 years now. The Journey is far from complete, as it can never be complete, but I'm well on my way. My basic problem, however, is that while looking for Yeshiva programs for myself I have a real hard time. My breadth of knowledge has grown steadily over the last 8 years, but my textual skills with Hebrew and Aramaic have not, and remain very rudimentary. Schools have a hard time placing me into a Shiur/Class because my text level is a true beginner's, but the questions that I ask and material that I bring to a class are well beyond the other beginners. Often this leads me to become a disturbance for the overall class. The other option is not much better though, as when I'm placed in a class on the same comprehension level as myself I quickly fall behind as I simply can't work through the textual material and keep pace with everyone. I'm less disruptive, but my personal growth is stunted.

Anyway, back to today... Chovevei is a Smicha/Rabbinic program. And while I’m not ready to enter the actual smicha program, the do have a one year pre-smicha prep program (the mechina program) that I may be able to do. That’s what these interviews are about. I’ve got some supporters in the school who are really pulling for me, and I also was originally “found” and recruited by the Dean and Founder of the Yeshiva himself who liked my “energy” and made the push for me to look into it in the first place. However, if my skill level is not on par to start the Mechina program in the fall, then it’s all a moot point, and it doesn’t really matter who’s pulling for me.

Today’s interview consisted of the Rav asking me to prepare about a paragraph of material out of the gemara. He gave me 25 min to do so, at which point he was going to call me back. Needless to say, with the interview at 8:30 in the morning, I was not only tired, but now frantic as I tried to piece everything together with the help of my Frank. (Dictionary) I lucked out and the passage used a lot of language I was already familiar with. I pulled it off, not perfectly, but good enough, that I seemed to at least keep his interest. He assigned me a larger section from a different gemara to prepare over this weekend with our next interview scheduled for 8:30am on Monday. (For a 5^th year senior in his final semester, that’s really early, especially since I have to work until 2am the night before…) I looked over the section briefly today, but I can already tell that it’s going to be much more difficult, as a lot of the language is new to me. I’m also trying to figure out the larger question of just exactly what I should be doing with my life next year.

Chovevei is just one option in the line of several that has dropped in my lap, all in the last month or so. Prior to this I’d been planning on returning to Israel in Sept. to serve in the army and officially become a Ezrach Oleh (returning citizen – my mother is Israeli, so I am also by default, this is just my version of Aliyah) However, Hashem has an interesting way of doing things, and this is simply no longer the case. (Another long story, maybe I’ll cover it later, or if there is interest…) Rather, if I return to Israel ASAP with Nefesh B’Nefesh (which is the only financially feasible way for me to do so) then the earliest I can return is Dec. This leaves me needing to find something to do in the states for at least another half year after I graduate. This change of events is what opens the door for Chovevei to begin with, because the answer to the question of “What are you doing next year?” was “I don’t know.”

Chovevei is a great opportunity, but it comes with a great commitment. It will train me to do exactly what I want to do (Informal Jewish Education, Summer Programs, Youth Groups, and Campus Work – an area I’m especially partial to) and train me well. It will also provide me with a stipend which takes care of my financial issues for the duration of the program. But that duration is also a cost. Going to Chovevei would mean 5 years at the school (one year pre-smicha, four year smicha) and then another 3 year commitment to working in the states in the area of Jewish Leadership/Education. This is not something that I’m opposed to in principle, and definitely in line with my long term goals. But it means spending at least another 8 years away from Israel, which in my heart of heart is my home.

Just to throw my other options out there… I’ve been informally offered a job working for Chabad on Campus next year for the fall semester. It would take me right up to the point when I would be able to make Aliyah again, and be practical work experience in a field I want to pursue. I could then make Aliyah, serve my half year in the army, and be ready to go back to Yeshiva in Israel by Elul Zman of the following year. In a way, I’d love to go back to Bat Ayin, I just don’t see the financial feasibility of such an action, but what G-d wills can and will happen, especially if I work hard for it. Bat Ayin would be a 5 year smicha program, and the focus and end result would be quite different then Chovevei. Afterwards I would also be urged to do a period of Shlichut. These are really the two options I’m playing with at this point. There are some others, but non that really keeps my attention that long. Of course the whole thing is still moot if I don’t pass my interview.

As far as advice, I keep getting all kinds of conflicting responses, sometimes even from the same people. There are pluses and minuses to both, above and beyond what I’d mentioned above. Not to mention the impact the decision has on the subsequent years, and on the shape of my future family life that I’d like to be starting. Even dating is going to be starkly different depending on where I end up. At this point I have faith that Hakodesh Baruch Hu will lead me to the right path. At the same time, I have to do everything I can to bring myself there. My prayer each night is for guidance. I ask him to mold my will into his own, to help me to fulfill my mission in this world, to find my basheret, and to bring comfort to all his people. I keep my options open, and try to continually re-evaluate both options. It’s going to be interesting to see how this one shapes up.